Day 164: May 24, 2009

The honeymoon is booked! We decided to go all inclusive and got a huge major deal because of Memorial Day weekend. Good things happen on Memorial Day weekend I guess. Three years ago Circuit City was having a sale and I got my Nikon D70s, my first DSLR camera. Tom stayed up with me all night to teach me how to use that thing. It was great, and it was the first time I saw how patient and smart he was. Two Memorial Day's ago (aka 2 years ago) I moved down to Tennessee with Tom. The night before I had gotten rip roaring drunk drinking margaritas and tequila shots all night at my graduation/going away party. The next morning was AWFUL. My sister and I were taking turns puking in the bathroom (actually she had just passed out in there by the toilet), and I was so worried I wasnt going to survive the drive from Massachusetts to Tennessee in the state I was in. Not to mention the emotional upheaval I was feeling about moving so far away from my friends and family. But it turned out okay, and moving down here was exciting. It was the start of a new chapter in my life. Last Memorial Day I was celebrating the end of my physical therapy and getting ready for our cruise that Tom and I were leaving for in a few days. I really really thought he was going to purpose to me... he didn't, he saved it for later, but I knew it was going to be coming soon. Next Memorial Day weekend we will be having our party in Mass to celebrate our wedding for all the people who won't be making it on the cruise (which is most people) and then we will be starting our honeymoon the next day. St. Lucia, here we come!

I still can't believe that I've been here for two years. That went by incredibly fast, even though the last six months have felt like an eternity. But its true what they say about time flying by when you are having fun because all the time that Tom was here really did fly by. It amazes me that if he were still here we would now have been living together for two years. Two years! Before him my relationships couldn't even get past two months, and now look at me. Truth be told I cannot even remember what it was like not to have him in my life. My life truly began when we started talking and its been an amazing journey ever since.

Uk, I just got super sappy and I did not mean for this post to get sappy. Actually I had thought of lots of thoughtful things to say, none of them particular cheerful... but they seem to escape me now as I sit here typing.

It's been an emotional roller coaster this week, to say the least. I've gone from down in the gutter to up to cloud nine. I've been mad, sad, happy, exstatic, angered, irritated, worried, and just about every other feeling possible. Its a bit overwhelming just to feel so much all the time. But I guess thats how you know you really love someone, that you can get that worked up and still at the end of the day want to spend the rest of them doing the same exact thing. I'd rather spend my days on this emotional rollercoaster with him than sit by myself on the bench alone too afraid of the bumps. Honestly, this week has actually been eye opening, and I'm glad for that. I'm glad to know he cares enough to get upset too, and I'm glad that we have the skills to both sit down and talk about it all rationally. We don't hide from one another, we dont let it fester, we talk about it and work it out. And that's exactly why I know we're going to make it till the end. We're different from other couples, we always have been, but it works so well for us.

God I just love him so much. Sometimes I feel like the love is going to burst all out of me because its just too much to contain. I'm going to steal a paragraph from Nora Roberts newest book "Visions in White" which I just finished today. I read it and thought, that's what I want my vows to sound like!

"I love you. I love who we are together. I love who I think we might be. I'll screw up. So wil you, you're not perfect. We'll hurt each other, and make each other laugh. We'll make love and we'll fight. I want us to promise to try not to let each other go. Trying's all we can do."

Day 157: May 17, 2009

I've come a long way so far, at least that's what I believed, until yesterday. I've lost 20 pounds since Januaray by joining weight watchers. I've still got quite a bit to go but I've started out well. For the first time, in quite awhile I was starting to feel good about myself again. More confident. I believed that I could get my weight down. ugh, but stupid boys, they ruin everything. This shouldn't even bother me, but it does. I went out to eat with Armin, Kat, and Armin's friend on Friday night. I guess the next day Armin and his friend were hanging out and they were talking about me. First of all, Armin never should have told this to me, but as we have learned, he has no filter and doesn't know when to shut his mouth. Apparently Armin asked if my body was thin enough to date, or something moronic like that, and the guy said No. Why they were even talking about this, I have no idea, because hello, I'M NOT SINGLE, and I would never date him anyway!!! But it just completely plummeted all my little self confidence. THIS sort of shit is what I've been dealing with my whole life, and I HATE it!!!

Day 146: May 6, 2009

I said goodbye to Tom again this morning. Which is really quite odd because he's still gone, and that hasn't changed at all. It's just now I'm getting even less of him than I was before. I didn't think I could miss him anymore than I already did. And I didn't think there was anything that could make me want to go back to how it was... but I do. He's on his way to some new base. He's going to be living in a tent, and they are going to have next to nothing. So you can imagine that we won't be talking very often. It sucks, big time. Its like having a stab wound, and it sucks but after awhile you sort of get numb to pain, but then someone comes around and twists the knife and it hurts worse than it did before and now youve got a larger wound. Not much holding it all together anymore.

It's just been an insane last few days, and I've hardly had a chance to breathe, let alone really think about the weight of this situation. I guess in a way its been good that I've been so unbelievably busy. I didn't cry. Honestly, lol, I got interupted from feeling sad from my phone ringing about 10 times this morning. But then I was on the plane today reading and I got to this part in the book, it had nothing at all to do with my situation, but it just made me achingly sad. Like I could feel my insides clenching. I can't explain what it was... but I felt so hollow.

Sometimes I think that maybe I should go talk to someone. Although, if my insurance won't cover physical therapy in TN i'm sure it's not going to cover a psychological assessment. I get sad, and I get just completely apathatic, and tired a lot (which may or may not have something to do with the amount of coffee I drink). I get testy, and upset, and I crave things that I should not want. I know what it all means but I just dont think going and talking to someone will really help me. I think the only thing that will help is having him back with me. And I really hope that time starts moving by quicker so that can happen faster.

Day 142: May 2, 2009

I get lonely. And I get sad. Even when I surround myself with friends and jam pack every moment with work, it still hits me. Sometimes i have to take a step back and really look at the situation, because at times its more than a bit surreal to me. Its so hard to have such a huge part of my life NOT be a part of my life. Tom means the world to me, but I have this whole life here that has nothing at all to do with him. Theres a huge disconnect within myself because of that. I want so much for him to be a part of my life... but he has no idea what that's like anymore.