Day 177: June 6, 2009

It's been a week. Let's start with the good news. I started my internship at Discovery Education Assessment. So far, I really like it. Everyone is pretty laid back and casual, and I absolutely love that I can wear jeans to work. Seriously... thats a huge selling point for me. I wore heels the first day because I wasn't sure how to dress, they killed, clearly I'm not ready for that yet, lol. But yes, working is good. I feel like a productive member of society again. Last week I was just so bored out of my mind, but I feel good again knowing I have something to wake up for everyday.

Tom's birthday present for me came this week. He wanted to send it early so I could use it for my Vegas trip next weekend. For the first time in awhile I was actually surprised by what I got! lol. He told me he got me a leather case. Which he did, but he got one to go along with the new purple Nikon Coolpix S620 & 4gig card. I really wanted a point and shoot camera so I could carry it around with me and take pictures of whatever. Don't get me wrong, I love my D300, but its huge. lol. And its not exactly the most convienent thing to cart around everywhere.

Alright, onto the not so good stuff happening this week. Well... believe it or not, I was in ANOTHER serious car wreck. I know, I mean most people don't even get involved in one, and oh lucky me, I get two before my 24th birthday. I was a passenger this time, but wow... it really brought me back to the last one. I didn't realize how distinct the sounds and smells were. I had sort of forgot about them. Never again, that is for sure. Metal on metal, the airbag exploding, very distinct loud scary sounds. I'm sore, but for the most part no serious injuries. Im very tender from the seatbelt mark, and my glasses somehow ended up underneath me... not sure how that happened exactly. But after I stopped crying (yes, I freaked out) I realized I couldn't see anything. Jayson's car was not so lucky. That thing was in pieces all over the road.

The whole accident was just... weird. Like the whole day was weird. You ever feel like the stars align to just make something happen? For the most part people live pretty routine lives and do the same things day after day, but Thursday was not a usual day. I did a lot of things that I normally don't do. And they all led to this stupid accident. Maybe the world is trying to tell me something: don't divert from the normal.

Here's how the whole thing started. Go back to like the day before or something and Jayson and I are talking on the phone about eating. Somehow we got on the topic that living alone and eating alone is very sad, and its a main reason I go pick up food a lot, because i just hate cooking and eating all by myself. So we had an engenious idea that we would have like little dinners and take turn cooking. That way, we don't have to cook for one, and we don't have to go out and spend a lot of money all the time of going to restaurants. So thursday was the first dinner and I cooked at my house. After dinner we were hanging out and talking about getting in shape for the love of our lives. See, Jayson is in sort of the same situation as me. He fell in love with this girl 10 years ago when he was high school. She was an exchange student from Germany. Theyve had this on/off Looooong distance thing going for a very long time now. I feel bad for him, because what I'm feeling is just a fraction of what he's had to deal with. And at least I know Tom is commited to me. They don't have that, they dont even know if they can actually ever be together. I don't think either one of them is really willing to give up their lives for the other person. Anyway, so Jayson and I are both super excited because both Tom and Anna are coming to the states in July. Tom is coming home for R&R at the beginning of the month, and Anna is coming to visit at the end of the month. I think it makes sense why we both want to look nice for them. Jayson was going off about wanting to build some sort of push bars so he can do push ups. He wanted to go to Lowes to see if it would be more cost worthy to build them himself or just buy them. He asked me if I wanted to go to Lowes with him. I checked the clock and saw that Tom was supposed to be coming online soon, so I ran upstairs to check if he was on. He was signed on, but away. I sat there for a few minutes seeing if he would come back, and when he didn't I figured I'd just run to Lowes with Jayson and then come back and talk to Tom.

We're walking out the door and I ask, who's driving? Jayson says he will. So we go to his car and I jump into the passenger seat and put on my seatbelt. We're driving out of my apartment complex and he asks me, left or right? You can get to Lowes either way, but I have a preference for driving down the back roads because I dont like traffic... ha. Ironic. So I said "left". So Jayson looks left and literally said, "No one is coming that way," and then he looked the right and there were cars, but they werent in the turn lane so it was good to go. Jayson takes the left... and BAM. Apparently there was someone coming from the left. But neither of us saw the mustang. I mean... the whole thing happened in like 2 seconds, but we did not see him. He definitely didn't have his lights on and he had to have been going 55 to cause us to spin around the way we did.

*sigh* I should have said "Right". Its crazy how one little word can just effect everything.

Day 164: May 24, 2009

The honeymoon is booked! We decided to go all inclusive and got a huge major deal because of Memorial Day weekend. Good things happen on Memorial Day weekend I guess. Three years ago Circuit City was having a sale and I got my Nikon D70s, my first DSLR camera. Tom stayed up with me all night to teach me how to use that thing. It was great, and it was the first time I saw how patient and smart he was. Two Memorial Day's ago (aka 2 years ago) I moved down to Tennessee with Tom. The night before I had gotten rip roaring drunk drinking margaritas and tequila shots all night at my graduation/going away party. The next morning was AWFUL. My sister and I were taking turns puking in the bathroom (actually she had just passed out in there by the toilet), and I was so worried I wasnt going to survive the drive from Massachusetts to Tennessee in the state I was in. Not to mention the emotional upheaval I was feeling about moving so far away from my friends and family. But it turned out okay, and moving down here was exciting. It was the start of a new chapter in my life. Last Memorial Day I was celebrating the end of my physical therapy and getting ready for our cruise that Tom and I were leaving for in a few days. I really really thought he was going to purpose to me... he didn't, he saved it for later, but I knew it was going to be coming soon. Next Memorial Day weekend we will be having our party in Mass to celebrate our wedding for all the people who won't be making it on the cruise (which is most people) and then we will be starting our honeymoon the next day. St. Lucia, here we come!

I still can't believe that I've been here for two years. That went by incredibly fast, even though the last six months have felt like an eternity. But its true what they say about time flying by when you are having fun because all the time that Tom was here really did fly by. It amazes me that if he were still here we would now have been living together for two years. Two years! Before him my relationships couldn't even get past two months, and now look at me. Truth be told I cannot even remember what it was like not to have him in my life. My life truly began when we started talking and its been an amazing journey ever since.

Uk, I just got super sappy and I did not mean for this post to get sappy. Actually I had thought of lots of thoughtful things to say, none of them particular cheerful... but they seem to escape me now as I sit here typing.

It's been an emotional roller coaster this week, to say the least. I've gone from down in the gutter to up to cloud nine. I've been mad, sad, happy, exstatic, angered, irritated, worried, and just about every other feeling possible. Its a bit overwhelming just to feel so much all the time. But I guess thats how you know you really love someone, that you can get that worked up and still at the end of the day want to spend the rest of them doing the same exact thing. I'd rather spend my days on this emotional rollercoaster with him than sit by myself on the bench alone too afraid of the bumps. Honestly, this week has actually been eye opening, and I'm glad for that. I'm glad to know he cares enough to get upset too, and I'm glad that we have the skills to both sit down and talk about it all rationally. We don't hide from one another, we dont let it fester, we talk about it and work it out. And that's exactly why I know we're going to make it till the end. We're different from other couples, we always have been, but it works so well for us.

God I just love him so much. Sometimes I feel like the love is going to burst all out of me because its just too much to contain. I'm going to steal a paragraph from Nora Roberts newest book "Visions in White" which I just finished today. I read it and thought, that's what I want my vows to sound like!

"I love you. I love who we are together. I love who I think we might be. I'll screw up. So wil you, you're not perfect. We'll hurt each other, and make each other laugh. We'll make love and we'll fight. I want us to promise to try not to let each other go. Trying's all we can do."

Day 157: May 17, 2009

I've come a long way so far, at least that's what I believed, until yesterday. I've lost 20 pounds since Januaray by joining weight watchers. I've still got quite a bit to go but I've started out well. For the first time, in quite awhile I was starting to feel good about myself again. More confident. I believed that I could get my weight down. ugh, but stupid boys, they ruin everything. This shouldn't even bother me, but it does. I went out to eat with Armin, Kat, and Armin's friend on Friday night. I guess the next day Armin and his friend were hanging out and they were talking about me. First of all, Armin never should have told this to me, but as we have learned, he has no filter and doesn't know when to shut his mouth. Apparently Armin asked if my body was thin enough to date, or something moronic like that, and the guy said No. Why they were even talking about this, I have no idea, because hello, I'M NOT SINGLE, and I would never date him anyway!!! But it just completely plummeted all my little self confidence. THIS sort of shit is what I've been dealing with my whole life, and I HATE it!!!

Day 146: May 6, 2009

I said goodbye to Tom again this morning. Which is really quite odd because he's still gone, and that hasn't changed at all. It's just now I'm getting even less of him than I was before. I didn't think I could miss him anymore than I already did. And I didn't think there was anything that could make me want to go back to how it was... but I do. He's on his way to some new base. He's going to be living in a tent, and they are going to have next to nothing. So you can imagine that we won't be talking very often. It sucks, big time. Its like having a stab wound, and it sucks but after awhile you sort of get numb to pain, but then someone comes around and twists the knife and it hurts worse than it did before and now youve got a larger wound. Not much holding it all together anymore.

It's just been an insane last few days, and I've hardly had a chance to breathe, let alone really think about the weight of this situation. I guess in a way its been good that I've been so unbelievably busy. I didn't cry. Honestly, lol, I got interupted from feeling sad from my phone ringing about 10 times this morning. But then I was on the plane today reading and I got to this part in the book, it had nothing at all to do with my situation, but it just made me achingly sad. Like I could feel my insides clenching. I can't explain what it was... but I felt so hollow.

Sometimes I think that maybe I should go talk to someone. Although, if my insurance won't cover physical therapy in TN i'm sure it's not going to cover a psychological assessment. I get sad, and I get just completely apathatic, and tired a lot (which may or may not have something to do with the amount of coffee I drink). I get testy, and upset, and I crave things that I should not want. I know what it all means but I just dont think going and talking to someone will really help me. I think the only thing that will help is having him back with me. And I really hope that time starts moving by quicker so that can happen faster.

Day 142: May 2, 2009

I get lonely. And I get sad. Even when I surround myself with friends and jam pack every moment with work, it still hits me. Sometimes i have to take a step back and really look at the situation, because at times its more than a bit surreal to me. Its so hard to have such a huge part of my life NOT be a part of my life. Tom means the world to me, but I have this whole life here that has nothing at all to do with him. Theres a huge disconnect within myself because of that. I want so much for him to be a part of my life... but he has no idea what that's like anymore.

Day 132: April 22, 2009

We had tornados here last weekend. About 4 touch downs in town, and two people died. I drove by the wreckage and I was just blown away by the randomness of it all. How one house is completely destroyed and the next only has minor roof damage. It's honestly amazing that only two people died. Those people are the luckiest unlucky people.

My mom and Paul visited me this weekend. I love having people here with me, but its so sad when they leave. I always feel so alone when they are gone.

I think Tom and I had an argument the other day. That's the thing about having your conversations online, sometimes you just don't get your tone out there and its hard to tell what the other person is feeling. Its also hard to tell if the internet is just flaking out or if the other person is purposely not saying anything to you because they are upset. He claims it was the internet... but I think he was just trying to diffuse the situation. I know that I was upset, and I know he was annoyed enough to be sarcastic, which is not often. So I guess it was an argument. I never apologized, and frankly I am not going to. I'm always the one to go back and apologize and make things right and I feel like it unvalidates my feelings and opinions to always be the first to give in, and I'm just not going to do that this time, I refuse. I was upset that he just never seems upset. I know, that sounds stupid, but its still how I feel. He bitches and moans about stupid shit like the possibility of having to drive far when he gets home, but you never hear him say a word about being away from me. No, that doesn't faze him, that's perfectly okay. And it annoys me because I am so totally NOT okay with it and I voice that constantly. And I'm sure that he doesn't enjoy being away from me, but he never SAYS anything to me about it. The one thing I told him that I needed him to do before he left to help me get through this deployment is to talk to me about how he is feeling about everything. I HATE feeling like I'm the only one hurting here.

Day 117: April 6, 2009

You remember when you were a kid in elementary and school was kind of hard, but never too much for you to handle? But then you'd think about what it would be like in Middle School, with all the homework and projects, and you thought you'd never be able to handle it. And then you got to Middle School and it wasn't as bad as you thought, but oh boy, the thought of high school! High School seemed tough. Papers, hard classes like calculus and british literature, plus the whole social aspect. Thinking about high school from middle school seemed scary. But you got there, and you go through it, and it wasn't as bad as you thought. But now you're in high school and all you can think about is college. And if you thought that high school was hard well just wait for college. Extreme exams, 8 page papers, LECTURES, ew. Leaving your high school friends and your family behind to live in a DORM!?! How on earth would you be able to handle all that? But then you get there, you adjust, and it's not as hard as you thought it would be. And you start to think about graduate school. You hear that you have to study for hours on end. You need to give class-long presentations, write a thesis, do research, TEACH. You need to take class like multivariate data analysis and sturctural equation modeling, and you need to get a B in everything, to maintain the GPA to remain in your studies. You can't handle that! There's no way! You fear and fear it and you think you're going to be a failure, that you can't handle it. But then you get there, and you adjust... and again, it's not as bad as you thought it was going to be.

We adjust. We learn. We're constantly growing, and things that we probably couldn't have handle at one point in our life, we can now because we've learned to take it and deal with it. We've learned to adapt to the tough situation and after awhile it's not so tough anymore. It's what we're used to. And ya, that scary thing in the future, maybe right now we can't handle it, but when we get there, we'll learn to live with it. We've gotten this far.

That's how it's been for me. Definitely in my school life, lol. But also with this whole deployment thing. Leading up to it was the scariest thing ever and I didn't at all think I would be able to handle it. How could I live without the person that had become my other half? How could I live on my own at all? Could I really survive a whole year without seeing the person I love? Without kissing him, and holding him? And could I do it so far away from my family and friends that I'm left with no support system near me? At the time I would have said, no, i doubt it. But here I am. I've made it almost four months, a third of the way in. I'm still standing. And now that I'm here, its not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It sounds awful, but you really do adjust. You get used to not having that person around. You learn to be completely independent and to rely on yourself. You learn to not expect anything, because if you expect things they are going to be taken away. Maybe I am a little bit numb. But being numb does make dealing with it all easier. Like I said, we adjust to deal with things, mentally, physically, emotionally.

I think some people feel bad for me. I want to tell them that I am really okay, that its all fine. But I don't. I do appreciate all the kindness, and if it keeps people praying for him, than that's fine. How do you really explain to someone that you are okay with living without the person you love anyway?

I'll keep myself busy. I'll keep letting the days pass. Sooner or later they're all going to pass and I'll have gotten through this whole ordeal. I look forward to that day. Because even though I have adjusted, and I am used to this, doesn't mean at all that I don't want to go back to how it was before. I'll trade true happiness for numb and going through the motions anyday.