I'm exhausted. It's felt like the longest week and yet I still find myself sitting here instead of tucking myself into bed. Tonight will be my first night sleeping completely alone since September. Tom has been gone since Dec. but at least I always had Charlie, my Shiba Inu puppy, curled beside me on my bed, giving me comfort and a sense of belonging as I drift into my dreams. I'm going home to visit my family in Mass tomorrow so my friend came to pick up Charlie today so he can watch him while I'm gone. It was honestly like a mother watching her baby go away to school for the first time. I wanted to cry! This place seems quieter, which is so ridiculous since Charlie is the quietest dog in the world. Still... ah, it just makes me feel so alone!
Things have been... rough, I guess is the correct term, between Tom and I in the past few weeks. Ever since Valentine's day actually, they just haven't been going smoothly. I know, given the circumstances that things were bound to get hard sooner or later, but I suppose I was naive thinking that it wouldn't be THIS hard. Before Tom left and I had a bad day, I knew I could come home to him and all my troubles would be forgotten. Being with him is soothing and healing. We had each other to rely on and to relieve the stress of the day. Now though, I have a bad day and I'm lucky if I even get to talk to him about it. And of course when I don't get to talk to him because of him working extreme hours or the internet flaking out, it not only doesn't soothe me, but it magnifies the whole bad day concept in my head. To him, we're doing fine. He sees all his friends barely holding on to their relationships. Their significant others are out with other guys or just aren't putting in any effort to making their relationships survive, and I know that must be achingly frustrating for them. In comparison for him, yea, we're doing fine. But to me, from over here, comparing what we have now to what we had before, we aren't doing fine. I just feel like there is some secret way to get through this that we are just missing out on. Why isn't there a Staples easy button I can press to just make all this hard stuff go away?
I have faith in us, and in our relationship and I know we are going to get through this. But wow... I just wish it could be easier.
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