Day 132: April 22, 2009

We had tornados here last weekend. About 4 touch downs in town, and two people died. I drove by the wreckage and I was just blown away by the randomness of it all. How one house is completely destroyed and the next only has minor roof damage. It's honestly amazing that only two people died. Those people are the luckiest unlucky people.

My mom and Paul visited me this weekend. I love having people here with me, but its so sad when they leave. I always feel so alone when they are gone.

I think Tom and I had an argument the other day. That's the thing about having your conversations online, sometimes you just don't get your tone out there and its hard to tell what the other person is feeling. Its also hard to tell if the internet is just flaking out or if the other person is purposely not saying anything to you because they are upset. He claims it was the internet... but I think he was just trying to diffuse the situation. I know that I was upset, and I know he was annoyed enough to be sarcastic, which is not often. So I guess it was an argument. I never apologized, and frankly I am not going to. I'm always the one to go back and apologize and make things right and I feel like it unvalidates my feelings and opinions to always be the first to give in, and I'm just not going to do that this time, I refuse. I was upset that he just never seems upset. I know, that sounds stupid, but its still how I feel. He bitches and moans about stupid shit like the possibility of having to drive far when he gets home, but you never hear him say a word about being away from me. No, that doesn't faze him, that's perfectly okay. And it annoys me because I am so totally NOT okay with it and I voice that constantly. And I'm sure that he doesn't enjoy being away from me, but he never SAYS anything to me about it. The one thing I told him that I needed him to do before he left to help me get through this deployment is to talk to me about how he is feeling about everything. I HATE feeling like I'm the only one hurting here.

Day 117: April 6, 2009

You remember when you were a kid in elementary and school was kind of hard, but never too much for you to handle? But then you'd think about what it would be like in Middle School, with all the homework and projects, and you thought you'd never be able to handle it. And then you got to Middle School and it wasn't as bad as you thought, but oh boy, the thought of high school! High School seemed tough. Papers, hard classes like calculus and british literature, plus the whole social aspect. Thinking about high school from middle school seemed scary. But you got there, and you go through it, and it wasn't as bad as you thought. But now you're in high school and all you can think about is college. And if you thought that high school was hard well just wait for college. Extreme exams, 8 page papers, LECTURES, ew. Leaving your high school friends and your family behind to live in a DORM!?! How on earth would you be able to handle all that? But then you get there, you adjust, and it's not as hard as you thought it would be. And you start to think about graduate school. You hear that you have to study for hours on end. You need to give class-long presentations, write a thesis, do research, TEACH. You need to take class like multivariate data analysis and sturctural equation modeling, and you need to get a B in everything, to maintain the GPA to remain in your studies. You can't handle that! There's no way! You fear and fear it and you think you're going to be a failure, that you can't handle it. But then you get there, and you adjust... and again, it's not as bad as you thought it was going to be.

We adjust. We learn. We're constantly growing, and things that we probably couldn't have handle at one point in our life, we can now because we've learned to take it and deal with it. We've learned to adapt to the tough situation and after awhile it's not so tough anymore. It's what we're used to. And ya, that scary thing in the future, maybe right now we can't handle it, but when we get there, we'll learn to live with it. We've gotten this far.

That's how it's been for me. Definitely in my school life, lol. But also with this whole deployment thing. Leading up to it was the scariest thing ever and I didn't at all think I would be able to handle it. How could I live without the person that had become my other half? How could I live on my own at all? Could I really survive a whole year without seeing the person I love? Without kissing him, and holding him? And could I do it so far away from my family and friends that I'm left with no support system near me? At the time I would have said, no, i doubt it. But here I am. I've made it almost four months, a third of the way in. I'm still standing. And now that I'm here, its not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It sounds awful, but you really do adjust. You get used to not having that person around. You learn to be completely independent and to rely on yourself. You learn to not expect anything, because if you expect things they are going to be taken away. Maybe I am a little bit numb. But being numb does make dealing with it all easier. Like I said, we adjust to deal with things, mentally, physically, emotionally.

I think some people feel bad for me. I want to tell them that I am really okay, that its all fine. But I don't. I do appreciate all the kindness, and if it keeps people praying for him, than that's fine. How do you really explain to someone that you are okay with living without the person you love anyway?

I'll keep myself busy. I'll keep letting the days pass. Sooner or later they're all going to pass and I'll have gotten through this whole ordeal. I look forward to that day. Because even though I have adjusted, and I am used to this, doesn't mean at all that I don't want to go back to how it was before. I'll trade true happiness for numb and going through the motions anyday.

Day 107: March 27, 2009

We learn fairly quickly in life that nothing comes without a price. Nothing is free. And even when some really great things come along, it is never without a sacrifice.

Tom got promoted. He's now the squad leader in charge of two seperate shops I believe. He's wanted this for awhile, and I know he's going to be great at it. Excitingly for him, he is now being moved to days so he gets sunlight again. I know lately that the fact that he rarely saw the sun was starting to get at him, so this is a very good thing for him. For him. For us? Not so much. Him moving to days is nothing much a huge problem for us. Because of the huge time difference, the fact that he worked nights before meant that he worked when I was at school, and then we would both be sleeping at the same time. We would talk for about two and a half hours after he would get off work and before he went to bed. Now? Hell, I still don't know when we are going to be talking. He called me yesterday morning to let me know about the change, but since then I have not talked to him. I don't know when I will talk to him next. He should be coming home from work soon, but right when he gets back I'm going to have to go to school. My schedule during the days are a bit chaotic. Nothing is set in stone, I'm constantly going in at different times for various different reasons like if I have to tutor some students, go in to use the computer lab, do some prep work for my labs, or work with my group on a project. It is extremely difficult to factor in talking to him during my day. Its just gonna be hard, I know it.

I am happy for him. I know this is everything he has wanted. But I can't help but seeing the huge price it is going to cost for our relationship.

Day 100: March 20, 2009

2400 hours.

144,000 minutes.

8,640,000 seconds.

That's how long 100 days is. Trust me when I say, 100 days is a long time. You don't believe me? You try going 100 days without the person you love. You try going 100 days without kissing and touching someone. I seriously feel like I have sensory deprivation because I just don't touch people anymore. I think my nerves will go on overload the next time they feel anything other than clothes against my skin. They say time flies when you are having fun. Well I am clearly not having fun because time is not flying. Its like a never ending cycle of nothingness. All I try to do is make through a week. Although somedays its enough just to make it through the day. I think my problem is that I just need something to look forward to that isn't so far away. August is such a long time from now (haven't even made it halfway to August! Ah!) and Thanksgiving is even farther. I need something soon to hold on to.

Day 94: March 14, 2009

There's a wedding dress hanging in my closet. I don't know how to feel about that. It's a bit scary, and exciting, I suppose. But weird... I didn't think I'd be dress shopping till about July.

Everyone says that when you find the right dress that you just know. For some reason I didn't really think that would happen, and at least not till about 50 dresses later. But I should have known better. With me, I've always have a really good intuition about things, I always have. With people, with things. This apartment and my last I just knew I wanted them right away and I didnt even want to see any other ones. It was sort of like this with the dress. It was the first one I tried one, I loved it, and I didn't even want to bother trying anything else on, although I did, just to make sure I knew what I was talking about. lol, this is just how i shop. Unlike most of the female population, I really don't like shopping, and even less when there are other people with me. I like to get in and get out as fast as possible. I don't dawdle. I see what I want, I get it, and I'm out of there. (with the exception being, of course, a book store. Just try getting me out of there fast!)

The dress was perfect. I had seen it in some of the magazines and had ripped it out to go with my pile of dresses that I really liked. When Gina and I sat down with the greeter lady at the store she actually picked that one out for me the second we walked in. Its very flowly, which is perfect for the whole cruise wedding thing. The whole dress is perfect for my figure. It hugs and accentuates all the right places and really doesn't make me look huge at all (which is always a bonus!). There is always a worry that I will lose too much weight before the wedding because I've already lost 16 pounds and I'm still going strong, however they said they could take in the dress 2 sizes, and I really doubt I'll get any smaller than two sizes smaller. lol, it would be wicked sweet, but I doubt it would happen. Plus, and this is a huge factor, the dress was so inexpensive!!! I mean, I was expecting to pay like 4 times as much. So even if worse come to worst and they can't take in the dress enough, I'll just get a new one. It really wasn't that expensive at all. But I love it, so hopefully that won't have to happen.

It's a good thing Tom isn't home, because I know I would probably end up caving and showing it to him. I can't help it! Tom and I don't keep anything from each other and if he asked to see it, I don't think I would be able to say no. But i am on strict orders from Gina, my maid of honor, to NOT show him the dress under any circumstances. Fine...

Day 86: Friday, March 6, 2009

I'm exhausted. It's felt like the longest week and yet I still find myself sitting here instead of tucking myself into bed. Tonight will be my first night sleeping completely alone since September. Tom has been gone since Dec. but at least I always had Charlie, my Shiba Inu puppy, curled beside me on my bed, giving me comfort and a sense of belonging as I drift into my dreams. I'm going home to visit my family in Mass tomorrow so my friend came to pick up Charlie today so he can watch him while I'm gone. It was honestly like a mother watching her baby go away to school for the first time. I wanted to cry! This place seems quieter, which is so ridiculous since Charlie is the quietest dog in the world. Still... ah, it just makes me feel so alone!

Things have been... rough, I guess is the correct term, between Tom and I in the past few weeks. Ever since Valentine's day actually, they just haven't been going smoothly. I know, given the circumstances that things were bound to get hard sooner or later, but I suppose I was naive thinking that it wouldn't be THIS hard. Before Tom left and I had a bad day, I knew I could come home to him and all my troubles would be forgotten. Being with him is soothing and healing. We had each other to rely on and to relieve the stress of the day. Now though, I have a bad day and I'm lucky if I even get to talk to him about it. And of course when I don't get to talk to him because of him working extreme hours or the internet flaking out, it not only doesn't soothe me, but it magnifies the whole bad day concept in my head. To him, we're doing fine. He sees all his friends barely holding on to their relationships. Their significant others are out with other guys or just aren't putting in any effort to making their relationships survive, and I know that must be achingly frustrating for them. In comparison for him, yea, we're doing fine. But to me, from over here, comparing what we have now to what we had before, we aren't doing fine. I just feel like there is some secret way to get through this that we are just missing out on. Why isn't there a Staples easy button I can press to just make all this hard stuff go away?

I have faith in us, and in our relationship and I know we are going to get through this. But wow... I just wish it could be easier.

Day 82: Monday March 2, 2009

I'm meeting with Dr. Kim, my thesis advisor, tomorrow to discuss the change in my masters thesis topic. My graduate program is something that's called quantitative psychology, which is basically statistical analysis for behavioral sciences. It's not an exciting job, and no I can't psychoanalyze you, but I am good at it, and hopefully one day its going to make me a lot of money, far more than those Freud wannabe's. Not that not being a Freud wannabe deters anyone from confessing all their secrets and expecting me to solve all their problems. I guess that's the price I pay for being a people person in the psychology field. And is it really their fault that no one besides the 12 people in my program know exactly what quantitative psychology?

I digress. Anyway, so up until Thursday my thesis topic was an exploratory study on military wives infidelity during soldier's deployment. For obvious reasons I am interested in this topic. You should hear the stories that Tom tells me! He said he's one of the only ones he knows that isn't having relationship problems over there, and it's only been three months. How hard is it to not cheat on your husband? I just don't understand it! Which is exactly why I want to study it. Interestingly, when I started doing literature review to find previous studies on this I couldn't find a single thing. In fact, I couldn't even find a hard statistical figure for the military divorce rate. Which is weird, because this is obviously an issue and it needs to be looked into, like 7 years ago.

Apparently though, its not so weird. I guess the military doesn't want people to do any research that would put them in a bad light. Which is just find so ridiculous, because with research we can pinpoint problems and then help them. Trust me, I guarantee that if wives stopped cheating on their husbands morale over seas would boost ten-fold. But hey, what do I know? I'm just a lowly grad student. With that being said the chances of me getting permission to conduct this research is about .01%, which even not being a quant student you can tell is not very likely. And without permission from the military there's no way I could go any further without serious ramifications, and really my masters thesis is so NOT worth getting into trouble with the military, especially since I want to get a govt. job when I graduate.

It's still a shame, really. I know I could have been published. And I know I would have been able to really start progress on finding what is behind the desire to be unfaithful and start building up some sort of preventive programs.

I guess I'll just stick to making my own future marriage the best that it can be instead of taking on the weight of the whole militarys.