We arrived at the hanger around 12:30am this morning. We had gone out for steaks for his last dinner a few hours earlier and then went to our favorite brew pub and had one final beer. It was a surreal experience because it felt like any other day when we would go out together for dinner but in the back of both our minds this would be our last meal together for quite some time. It pissed me off because our waitress was practically rushing us out the door because she probably wanted to go home early.
At the hanger there was a lot of chaos around me. Tom had to go get paperwork and get his M4, so for awhile I just sat by myself amidst it all. There were families and friends of soldiers everywhere. Most people came in groups, and I felt very alone sitting there by myself. I couldnt stop shaking, whether from the cold, my anxiety or a combination of both. Tom came and found me and sat by my side. He put his arm around me and told me it was going to be alright. And we stayed like that for hours. We waited and waited. It was torture. Though I didn't want him to go at all the waiting for something to happen was killing me. My anxiety kept building and building and it sounds horrible but I just wanted to get it over with because I knew it was going to be bad.
Through all this waiting it still didn't feel real. I couldn't wrap my head around it. He was next to me, holding me, telling me he loved me, and I just couldn't imagine him not there. He's always been there with me. I know there was a time when he wasn't in my life but I can't even recall that. I don't remember what it was like not having him there next to me. I thought to myself, this isn't really happening, it's all going to be okay. I really felt okay at that moment. I thought I would be able to walk out of there with my head high and not cry in front of all these people I had never met before.
And then the buses pulled up. And this guy came up to this podium and told everyone to say their final goodbyes because they had to get into formation to get onto the buses. I just lost it. We stood up and he hugged me and I started bawling. And then this other guy came over that Tom used to work with and wanted to chat for a moment. I'm standing there crying and Tom was chatting it up with his old buddy and I was just thinking, "are you serious... you need to catch up now?" He finally politely dismissed that guy and hugged me again and said he had to go line up. There was more hugging, kissing, crying and then he walked away.
I looked to my right and saw this father a little ways from me trying to cover up his crying over his son, and that's when it hit me. As Tom was walking into formation, away from me, that's when I finally realized that he was really leaving me for a year. I've never felt more alone in my whole life. I stood there by myself, bawling my eyes out in front of strangers, and I just couldn't stop myself. The thought of him not in my life for the whole year was too overwhelming, and I just broke down over the thought of being alone in Tennessee for all of it.
A lot of people had left by this point. All the guys were standing in formation, they hadn't left yet, but it was late and a lot of people didn't want to wait for the end. Some guy came up and started talking, I have no idea what he was saying. I kept trying to find Tom in the sea of camo, but everyone was jumbled together. The doors of the hangers lifted and the guys started walking row by row to the buses. I finally spotted him and waved. I mouthed "I love you" to him, and he did it back to me, and then he walked to the buses. I started bawling again, and walked out of the hanger crying my eyes out. I got into the car and had a wait a few more minutes till I could compose myself enough to drive off base.
I wanted to call someone, but it was 4 in the morning, and I just couldn't bring myself to wake anyone up just so I could cry into the phone. So I just drove to the hotel and bawled myself to sleep.
He's gone. He's really gone.
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