We had tornados here last weekend. About 4 touch downs in town, and two people died. I drove by the wreckage and I was just blown away by the randomness of it all. How one house is completely destroyed and the next only has minor roof damage. It's honestly amazing that only two people died. Those people are the luckiest unlucky people.
My mom and Paul visited me this weekend. I love having people here with me, but its so sad when they leave. I always feel so alone when they are gone.
I think Tom and I had an argument the other day. That's the thing about having your conversations online, sometimes you just don't get your tone out there and its hard to tell what the other person is feeling. Its also hard to tell if the internet is just flaking out or if the other person is purposely not saying anything to you because they are upset. He claims it was the internet... but I think he was just trying to diffuse the situation. I know that I was upset, and I know he was annoyed enough to be sarcastic, which is not often. So I guess it was an argument. I never apologized, and frankly I am not going to. I'm always the one to go back and apologize and make things right and I feel like it unvalidates my feelings and opinions to always be the first to give in, and I'm just not going to do that this time, I refuse. I was upset that he just never seems upset. I know, that sounds stupid, but its still how I feel. He bitches and moans about stupid shit like the possibility of having to drive far when he gets home, but you never hear him say a word about being away from me. No, that doesn't faze him, that's perfectly okay. And it annoys me because I am so totally NOT okay with it and I voice that constantly. And I'm sure that he doesn't enjoy being away from me, but he never SAYS anything to me about it. The one thing I told him that I needed him to do before he left to help me get through this deployment is to talk to me about how he is feeling about everything. I HATE feeling like I'm the only one hurting here.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Day 117: April 6, 2009
You remember when you were a kid in elementary and school was kind of hard, but never too much for you to handle? But then you'd think about what it would be like in Middle School, with all the homework and projects, and you thought you'd never be able to handle it. And then you got to Middle School and it wasn't as bad as you thought, but oh boy, the thought of high school! High School seemed tough. Papers, hard classes like calculus and british literature, plus the whole social aspect. Thinking about high school from middle school seemed scary. But you got there, and you go through it, and it wasn't as bad as you thought. But now you're in high school and all you can think about is college. And if you thought that high school was hard well just wait for college. Extreme exams, 8 page papers, LECTURES, ew. Leaving your high school friends and your family behind to live in a DORM!?! How on earth would you be able to handle all that? But then you get there, you adjust, and it's not as hard as you thought it would be. And you start to think about graduate school. You hear that you have to study for hours on end. You need to give class-long presentations, write a thesis, do research, TEACH. You need to take class like multivariate data analysis and sturctural equation modeling, and you need to get a B in everything, to maintain the GPA to remain in your studies. You can't handle that! There's no way! You fear and fear it and you think you're going to be a failure, that you can't handle it. But then you get there, and you adjust... and again, it's not as bad as you thought it was going to be.
We adjust. We learn. We're constantly growing, and things that we probably couldn't have handle at one point in our life, we can now because we've learned to take it and deal with it. We've learned to adapt to the tough situation and after awhile it's not so tough anymore. It's what we're used to. And ya, that scary thing in the future, maybe right now we can't handle it, but when we get there, we'll learn to live with it. We've gotten this far.
That's how it's been for me. Definitely in my school life, lol. But also with this whole deployment thing. Leading up to it was the scariest thing ever and I didn't at all think I would be able to handle it. How could I live without the person that had become my other half? How could I live on my own at all? Could I really survive a whole year without seeing the person I love? Without kissing him, and holding him? And could I do it so far away from my family and friends that I'm left with no support system near me? At the time I would have said, no, i doubt it. But here I am. I've made it almost four months, a third of the way in. I'm still standing. And now that I'm here, its not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It sounds awful, but you really do adjust. You get used to not having that person around. You learn to be completely independent and to rely on yourself. You learn to not expect anything, because if you expect things they are going to be taken away. Maybe I am a little bit numb. But being numb does make dealing with it all easier. Like I said, we adjust to deal with things, mentally, physically, emotionally.
I think some people feel bad for me. I want to tell them that I am really okay, that its all fine. But I don't. I do appreciate all the kindness, and if it keeps people praying for him, than that's fine. How do you really explain to someone that you are okay with living without the person you love anyway?
I'll keep myself busy. I'll keep letting the days pass. Sooner or later they're all going to pass and I'll have gotten through this whole ordeal. I look forward to that day. Because even though I have adjusted, and I am used to this, doesn't mean at all that I don't want to go back to how it was before. I'll trade true happiness for numb and going through the motions anyday.
We adjust. We learn. We're constantly growing, and things that we probably couldn't have handle at one point in our life, we can now because we've learned to take it and deal with it. We've learned to adapt to the tough situation and after awhile it's not so tough anymore. It's what we're used to. And ya, that scary thing in the future, maybe right now we can't handle it, but when we get there, we'll learn to live with it. We've gotten this far.
That's how it's been for me. Definitely in my school life, lol. But also with this whole deployment thing. Leading up to it was the scariest thing ever and I didn't at all think I would be able to handle it. How could I live without the person that had become my other half? How could I live on my own at all? Could I really survive a whole year without seeing the person I love? Without kissing him, and holding him? And could I do it so far away from my family and friends that I'm left with no support system near me? At the time I would have said, no, i doubt it. But here I am. I've made it almost four months, a third of the way in. I'm still standing. And now that I'm here, its not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It sounds awful, but you really do adjust. You get used to not having that person around. You learn to be completely independent and to rely on yourself. You learn to not expect anything, because if you expect things they are going to be taken away. Maybe I am a little bit numb. But being numb does make dealing with it all easier. Like I said, we adjust to deal with things, mentally, physically, emotionally.
I think some people feel bad for me. I want to tell them that I am really okay, that its all fine. But I don't. I do appreciate all the kindness, and if it keeps people praying for him, than that's fine. How do you really explain to someone that you are okay with living without the person you love anyway?
I'll keep myself busy. I'll keep letting the days pass. Sooner or later they're all going to pass and I'll have gotten through this whole ordeal. I look forward to that day. Because even though I have adjusted, and I am used to this, doesn't mean at all that I don't want to go back to how it was before. I'll trade true happiness for numb and going through the motions anyday.
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