Tom's gonna be home in about 10 days. We got real lucky with that, they're sending him home with the first group of people. Before I know it, he's going to be back and its going to be like he was never gone.
Things have been so busy lately, which has been great because its made time just fly by. We are in the process of buying a house, and that's just taken over a lot of my time lately. It's weird... buying a house has been my goal for the longest time and now its so close it just doesn't seem real. I feel so old and adult lately. Getting married, buying a house, starting a career. Its a bit overwhelming. But in a way its sorta scary, because what do you do once you get your happily ever after? What comes next? Those fairy tales from childhood always ended with that, no more pages, but our story is going to continue on. I guess I'm a little scared of that. Its sounds odd, but I'm afraid of getting everything I've wanted, because what else is there to hope for after that? And then there's always the fear that it will all be taken from me. Ya, life is good now, but we all know how soon it can come crashing down. But I'll take it for as long as I can, and hope that our storybook doesn't finish before we're through.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Day 227: July 26th, 2009
You know that moment in the romantic movies where the hero is reunited with the girl and they run into each others arms and the people around them clap and are happy for them and then they kiss and the world around them melts away and the camera does this nice little pan around them as the music gets louder and you just feel that special happy tingle inside of you? lol, well, I finally had my movie moment and it was definitely worth all that time I stood at that airport waiting for him to get back.
Seeing him again was just too good. Honestly, too good that its bad. Bad because I got to have our wonderful life back, and then have it taken away again two weeks later. Which blew, majorly. I had a good rythym going before he came back. I guess I was just used to having him gone, and I'm ashamed to say it but the longer time went on, the more I was forgetting what it was like to have him around. The moment I saw him though, the last 200 and whatever days just faded away and it was exactly how it was before.
We had a great time, we really did. It felt like so long and yet it went by so fast, if that makes any sense at all. God, i miss him so much. I feel really alone right now. More so than I have for a long time. This place is just so quiet and empty. I cannot wait to have him back.
Looks like I'm back to counting the days.
Seeing him again was just too good. Honestly, too good that its bad. Bad because I got to have our wonderful life back, and then have it taken away again two weeks later. Which blew, majorly. I had a good rythym going before he came back. I guess I was just used to having him gone, and I'm ashamed to say it but the longer time went on, the more I was forgetting what it was like to have him around. The moment I saw him though, the last 200 and whatever days just faded away and it was exactly how it was before.
We had a great time, we really did. It felt like so long and yet it went by so fast, if that makes any sense at all. God, i miss him so much. I feel really alone right now. More so than I have for a long time. This place is just so quiet and empty. I cannot wait to have him back.
Looks like I'm back to counting the days.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Day 202: July 1, 2009
"It's hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he's okay. It's hard to be the one who stays." -Time Traveler's Wife
Replace the name Henry for Tom and you've got my thoughts exactly with that quote. He was supposed to be back either by tomorrow or friday. We were going to spend a night in Atlanta and then on the 4th drive to Clarksville and eat at the Blackhorse and watch the fireworks on base. We were going to celebrate being engaged for one year and he was going to take pictures of us underneath the fireworks. It was gonna be great.
I knew that I shouldn't get excited, because the second you start to depend on anything with the military they change their minds and ruin all your plans. But hey, I figured, he's already on his way back, what could possibly go wrong at this point? I thought I was in the clear for happiness. I thought it was okay to let myself be excited again. Shoulda known better.
He's suck in Bagram. He could be there for a couple days, a couple weeks. Who knows? And we wont know when he can leave till the very last second. So I literally cannot make any plans. It just amazes me that they can be so incompetent. I just dont understand why they can't fix this, or why no one cares enough to even attempt to fix this error. It pisses me off so much because he isn't even supposed to be there right now. He should have been out of the army months ago but they freaking stoplossed him and made him stay. You'd think the least they could do is get him home for his R&R.
I just want him back here with me. Is that so much to ask?
Replace the name Henry for Tom and you've got my thoughts exactly with that quote. He was supposed to be back either by tomorrow or friday. We were going to spend a night in Atlanta and then on the 4th drive to Clarksville and eat at the Blackhorse and watch the fireworks on base. We were going to celebrate being engaged for one year and he was going to take pictures of us underneath the fireworks. It was gonna be great.
I knew that I shouldn't get excited, because the second you start to depend on anything with the military they change their minds and ruin all your plans. But hey, I figured, he's already on his way back, what could possibly go wrong at this point? I thought I was in the clear for happiness. I thought it was okay to let myself be excited again. Shoulda known better.
He's suck in Bagram. He could be there for a couple days, a couple weeks. Who knows? And we wont know when he can leave till the very last second. So I literally cannot make any plans. It just amazes me that they can be so incompetent. I just dont understand why they can't fix this, or why no one cares enough to even attempt to fix this error. It pisses me off so much because he isn't even supposed to be there right now. He should have been out of the army months ago but they freaking stoplossed him and made him stay. You'd think the least they could do is get him home for his R&R.
I just want him back here with me. Is that so much to ask?
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Day 177: June 6, 2009
It's been a week. Let's start with the good news. I started my internship at Discovery Education Assessment. So far, I really like it. Everyone is pretty laid back and casual, and I absolutely love that I can wear jeans to work. Seriously... thats a huge selling point for me. I wore heels the first day because I wasn't sure how to dress, they killed, clearly I'm not ready for that yet, lol. But yes, working is good. I feel like a productive member of society again. Last week I was just so bored out of my mind, but I feel good again knowing I have something to wake up for everyday.
Tom's birthday present for me came this week. He wanted to send it early so I could use it for my Vegas trip next weekend. For the first time in awhile I was actually surprised by what I got! lol. He told me he got me a leather case. Which he did, but he got one to go along with the new purple Nikon Coolpix S620 & 4gig card. I really wanted a point and shoot camera so I could carry it around with me and take pictures of whatever. Don't get me wrong, I love my D300, but its huge. lol. And its not exactly the most convienent thing to cart around everywhere.
Alright, onto the not so good stuff happening this week. Well... believe it or not, I was in ANOTHER serious car wreck. I know, I mean most people don't even get involved in one, and oh lucky me, I get two before my 24th birthday. I was a passenger this time, but wow... it really brought me back to the last one. I didn't realize how distinct the sounds and smells were. I had sort of forgot about them. Never again, that is for sure. Metal on metal, the airbag exploding, very distinct loud scary sounds. I'm sore, but for the most part no serious injuries. Im very tender from the seatbelt mark, and my glasses somehow ended up underneath me... not sure how that happened exactly. But after I stopped crying (yes, I freaked out) I realized I couldn't see anything. Jayson's car was not so lucky. That thing was in pieces all over the road.
The whole accident was just... weird. Like the whole day was weird. You ever feel like the stars align to just make something happen? For the most part people live pretty routine lives and do the same things day after day, but Thursday was not a usual day. I did a lot of things that I normally don't do. And they all led to this stupid accident. Maybe the world is trying to tell me something: don't divert from the normal.
Here's how the whole thing started. Go back to like the day before or something and Jayson and I are talking on the phone about eating. Somehow we got on the topic that living alone and eating alone is very sad, and its a main reason I go pick up food a lot, because i just hate cooking and eating all by myself. So we had an engenious idea that we would have like little dinners and take turn cooking. That way, we don't have to cook for one, and we don't have to go out and spend a lot of money all the time of going to restaurants. So thursday was the first dinner and I cooked at my house. After dinner we were hanging out and talking about getting in shape for the love of our lives. See, Jayson is in sort of the same situation as me. He fell in love with this girl 10 years ago when he was high school. She was an exchange student from Germany. Theyve had this on/off Looooong distance thing going for a very long time now. I feel bad for him, because what I'm feeling is just a fraction of what he's had to deal with. And at least I know Tom is commited to me. They don't have that, they dont even know if they can actually ever be together. I don't think either one of them is really willing to give up their lives for the other person. Anyway, so Jayson and I are both super excited because both Tom and Anna are coming to the states in July. Tom is coming home for R&R at the beginning of the month, and Anna is coming to visit at the end of the month. I think it makes sense why we both want to look nice for them. Jayson was going off about wanting to build some sort of push bars so he can do push ups. He wanted to go to Lowes to see if it would be more cost worthy to build them himself or just buy them. He asked me if I wanted to go to Lowes with him. I checked the clock and saw that Tom was supposed to be coming online soon, so I ran upstairs to check if he was on. He was signed on, but away. I sat there for a few minutes seeing if he would come back, and when he didn't I figured I'd just run to Lowes with Jayson and then come back and talk to Tom.
We're walking out the door and I ask, who's driving? Jayson says he will. So we go to his car and I jump into the passenger seat and put on my seatbelt. We're driving out of my apartment complex and he asks me, left or right? You can get to Lowes either way, but I have a preference for driving down the back roads because I dont like traffic... ha. Ironic. So I said "left". So Jayson looks left and literally said, "No one is coming that way," and then he looked the right and there were cars, but they werent in the turn lane so it was good to go. Jayson takes the left... and BAM. Apparently there was someone coming from the left. But neither of us saw the mustang. I mean... the whole thing happened in like 2 seconds, but we did not see him. He definitely didn't have his lights on and he had to have been going 55 to cause us to spin around the way we did.
*sigh* I should have said "Right". Its crazy how one little word can just effect everything.
Tom's birthday present for me came this week. He wanted to send it early so I could use it for my Vegas trip next weekend. For the first time in awhile I was actually surprised by what I got! lol. He told me he got me a leather case. Which he did, but he got one to go along with the new purple Nikon Coolpix S620 & 4gig card. I really wanted a point and shoot camera so I could carry it around with me and take pictures of whatever. Don't get me wrong, I love my D300, but its huge. lol. And its not exactly the most convienent thing to cart around everywhere.
Alright, onto the not so good stuff happening this week. Well... believe it or not, I was in ANOTHER serious car wreck. I know, I mean most people don't even get involved in one, and oh lucky me, I get two before my 24th birthday. I was a passenger this time, but wow... it really brought me back to the last one. I didn't realize how distinct the sounds and smells were. I had sort of forgot about them. Never again, that is for sure. Metal on metal, the airbag exploding, very distinct loud scary sounds. I'm sore, but for the most part no serious injuries. Im very tender from the seatbelt mark, and my glasses somehow ended up underneath me... not sure how that happened exactly. But after I stopped crying (yes, I freaked out) I realized I couldn't see anything. Jayson's car was not so lucky. That thing was in pieces all over the road.
The whole accident was just... weird. Like the whole day was weird. You ever feel like the stars align to just make something happen? For the most part people live pretty routine lives and do the same things day after day, but Thursday was not a usual day. I did a lot of things that I normally don't do. And they all led to this stupid accident. Maybe the world is trying to tell me something: don't divert from the normal.
Here's how the whole thing started. Go back to like the day before or something and Jayson and I are talking on the phone about eating. Somehow we got on the topic that living alone and eating alone is very sad, and its a main reason I go pick up food a lot, because i just hate cooking and eating all by myself. So we had an engenious idea that we would have like little dinners and take turn cooking. That way, we don't have to cook for one, and we don't have to go out and spend a lot of money all the time of going to restaurants. So thursday was the first dinner and I cooked at my house. After dinner we were hanging out and talking about getting in shape for the love of our lives. See, Jayson is in sort of the same situation as me. He fell in love with this girl 10 years ago when he was high school. She was an exchange student from Germany. Theyve had this on/off Looooong distance thing going for a very long time now. I feel bad for him, because what I'm feeling is just a fraction of what he's had to deal with. And at least I know Tom is commited to me. They don't have that, they dont even know if they can actually ever be together. I don't think either one of them is really willing to give up their lives for the other person. Anyway, so Jayson and I are both super excited because both Tom and Anna are coming to the states in July. Tom is coming home for R&R at the beginning of the month, and Anna is coming to visit at the end of the month. I think it makes sense why we both want to look nice for them. Jayson was going off about wanting to build some sort of push bars so he can do push ups. He wanted to go to Lowes to see if it would be more cost worthy to build them himself or just buy them. He asked me if I wanted to go to Lowes with him. I checked the clock and saw that Tom was supposed to be coming online soon, so I ran upstairs to check if he was on. He was signed on, but away. I sat there for a few minutes seeing if he would come back, and when he didn't I figured I'd just run to Lowes with Jayson and then come back and talk to Tom.
We're walking out the door and I ask, who's driving? Jayson says he will. So we go to his car and I jump into the passenger seat and put on my seatbelt. We're driving out of my apartment complex and he asks me, left or right? You can get to Lowes either way, but I have a preference for driving down the back roads because I dont like traffic... ha. Ironic. So I said "left". So Jayson looks left and literally said, "No one is coming that way," and then he looked the right and there were cars, but they werent in the turn lane so it was good to go. Jayson takes the left... and BAM. Apparently there was someone coming from the left. But neither of us saw the mustang. I mean... the whole thing happened in like 2 seconds, but we did not see him. He definitely didn't have his lights on and he had to have been going 55 to cause us to spin around the way we did.
*sigh* I should have said "Right". Its crazy how one little word can just effect everything.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Day 164: May 24, 2009
The honeymoon is booked! We decided to go all inclusive and got a huge major deal because of Memorial Day weekend. Good things happen on Memorial Day weekend I guess. Three years ago Circuit City was having a sale and I got my Nikon D70s, my first DSLR camera. Tom stayed up with me all night to teach me how to use that thing. It was great, and it was the first time I saw how patient and smart he was. Two Memorial Day's ago (aka 2 years ago) I moved down to Tennessee with Tom. The night before I had gotten rip roaring drunk drinking margaritas and tequila shots all night at my graduation/going away party. The next morning was AWFUL. My sister and I were taking turns puking in the bathroom (actually she had just passed out in there by the toilet), and I was so worried I wasnt going to survive the drive from Massachusetts to Tennessee in the state I was in. Not to mention the emotional upheaval I was feeling about moving so far away from my friends and family. But it turned out okay, and moving down here was exciting. It was the start of a new chapter in my life. Last Memorial Day I was celebrating the end of my physical therapy and getting ready for our cruise that Tom and I were leaving for in a few days. I really really thought he was going to purpose to me... he didn't, he saved it for later, but I knew it was going to be coming soon. Next Memorial Day weekend we will be having our party in Mass to celebrate our wedding for all the people who won't be making it on the cruise (which is most people) and then we will be starting our honeymoon the next day. St. Lucia, here we come!
I still can't believe that I've been here for two years. That went by incredibly fast, even though the last six months have felt like an eternity. But its true what they say about time flying by when you are having fun because all the time that Tom was here really did fly by. It amazes me that if he were still here we would now have been living together for two years. Two years! Before him my relationships couldn't even get past two months, and now look at me. Truth be told I cannot even remember what it was like not to have him in my life. My life truly began when we started talking and its been an amazing journey ever since.
Uk, I just got super sappy and I did not mean for this post to get sappy. Actually I had thought of lots of thoughtful things to say, none of them particular cheerful... but they seem to escape me now as I sit here typing.
It's been an emotional roller coaster this week, to say the least. I've gone from down in the gutter to up to cloud nine. I've been mad, sad, happy, exstatic, angered, irritated, worried, and just about every other feeling possible. Its a bit overwhelming just to feel so much all the time. But I guess thats how you know you really love someone, that you can get that worked up and still at the end of the day want to spend the rest of them doing the same exact thing. I'd rather spend my days on this emotional rollercoaster with him than sit by myself on the bench alone too afraid of the bumps. Honestly, this week has actually been eye opening, and I'm glad for that. I'm glad to know he cares enough to get upset too, and I'm glad that we have the skills to both sit down and talk about it all rationally. We don't hide from one another, we dont let it fester, we talk about it and work it out. And that's exactly why I know we're going to make it till the end. We're different from other couples, we always have been, but it works so well for us.
God I just love him so much. Sometimes I feel like the love is going to burst all out of me because its just too much to contain. I'm going to steal a paragraph from Nora Roberts newest book "Visions in White" which I just finished today. I read it and thought, that's what I want my vows to sound like!
I still can't believe that I've been here for two years. That went by incredibly fast, even though the last six months have felt like an eternity. But its true what they say about time flying by when you are having fun because all the time that Tom was here really did fly by. It amazes me that if he were still here we would now have been living together for two years. Two years! Before him my relationships couldn't even get past two months, and now look at me. Truth be told I cannot even remember what it was like not to have him in my life. My life truly began when we started talking and its been an amazing journey ever since.
Uk, I just got super sappy and I did not mean for this post to get sappy. Actually I had thought of lots of thoughtful things to say, none of them particular cheerful... but they seem to escape me now as I sit here typing.
It's been an emotional roller coaster this week, to say the least. I've gone from down in the gutter to up to cloud nine. I've been mad, sad, happy, exstatic, angered, irritated, worried, and just about every other feeling possible. Its a bit overwhelming just to feel so much all the time. But I guess thats how you know you really love someone, that you can get that worked up and still at the end of the day want to spend the rest of them doing the same exact thing. I'd rather spend my days on this emotional rollercoaster with him than sit by myself on the bench alone too afraid of the bumps. Honestly, this week has actually been eye opening, and I'm glad for that. I'm glad to know he cares enough to get upset too, and I'm glad that we have the skills to both sit down and talk about it all rationally. We don't hide from one another, we dont let it fester, we talk about it and work it out. And that's exactly why I know we're going to make it till the end. We're different from other couples, we always have been, but it works so well for us.
God I just love him so much. Sometimes I feel like the love is going to burst all out of me because its just too much to contain. I'm going to steal a paragraph from Nora Roberts newest book "Visions in White" which I just finished today. I read it and thought, that's what I want my vows to sound like!
"I love you. I love who we are together. I love who I think we might be. I'll screw up. So wil you, you're not perfect. We'll hurt each other, and make each other laugh. We'll make love and we'll fight. I want us to promise to try not to let each other go. Trying's all we can do."
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Day 157: May 17, 2009
I've come a long way so far, at least that's what I believed, until yesterday. I've lost 20 pounds since Januaray by joining weight watchers. I've still got quite a bit to go but I've started out well. For the first time, in quite awhile I was starting to feel good about myself again. More confident. I believed that I could get my weight down. ugh, but stupid boys, they ruin everything. This shouldn't even bother me, but it does. I went out to eat with Armin, Kat, and Armin's friend on Friday night. I guess the next day Armin and his friend were hanging out and they were talking about me. First of all, Armin never should have told this to me, but as we have learned, he has no filter and doesn't know when to shut his mouth. Apparently Armin asked if my body was thin enough to date, or something moronic like that, and the guy said No. Why they were even talking about this, I have no idea, because hello, I'M NOT SINGLE, and I would never date him anyway!!! But it just completely plummeted all my little self confidence. THIS sort of shit is what I've been dealing with my whole life, and I HATE it!!!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Day 146: May 6, 2009
I said goodbye to Tom again this morning. Which is really quite odd because he's still gone, and that hasn't changed at all. It's just now I'm getting even less of him than I was before. I didn't think I could miss him anymore than I already did. And I didn't think there was anything that could make me want to go back to how it was... but I do. He's on his way to some new base. He's going to be living in a tent, and they are going to have next to nothing. So you can imagine that we won't be talking very often. It sucks, big time. Its like having a stab wound, and it sucks but after awhile you sort of get numb to pain, but then someone comes around and twists the knife and it hurts worse than it did before and now youve got a larger wound. Not much holding it all together anymore.
It's just been an insane last few days, and I've hardly had a chance to breathe, let alone really think about the weight of this situation. I guess in a way its been good that I've been so unbelievably busy. I didn't cry. Honestly, lol, I got interupted from feeling sad from my phone ringing about 10 times this morning. But then I was on the plane today reading and I got to this part in the book, it had nothing at all to do with my situation, but it just made me achingly sad. Like I could feel my insides clenching. I can't explain what it was... but I felt so hollow.
Sometimes I think that maybe I should go talk to someone. Although, if my insurance won't cover physical therapy in TN i'm sure it's not going to cover a psychological assessment. I get sad, and I get just completely apathatic, and tired a lot (which may or may not have something to do with the amount of coffee I drink). I get testy, and upset, and I crave things that I should not want. I know what it all means but I just dont think going and talking to someone will really help me. I think the only thing that will help is having him back with me. And I really hope that time starts moving by quicker so that can happen faster.
It's just been an insane last few days, and I've hardly had a chance to breathe, let alone really think about the weight of this situation. I guess in a way its been good that I've been so unbelievably busy. I didn't cry. Honestly, lol, I got interupted from feeling sad from my phone ringing about 10 times this morning. But then I was on the plane today reading and I got to this part in the book, it had nothing at all to do with my situation, but it just made me achingly sad. Like I could feel my insides clenching. I can't explain what it was... but I felt so hollow.
Sometimes I think that maybe I should go talk to someone. Although, if my insurance won't cover physical therapy in TN i'm sure it's not going to cover a psychological assessment. I get sad, and I get just completely apathatic, and tired a lot (which may or may not have something to do with the amount of coffee I drink). I get testy, and upset, and I crave things that I should not want. I know what it all means but I just dont think going and talking to someone will really help me. I think the only thing that will help is having him back with me. And I really hope that time starts moving by quicker so that can happen faster.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Day 142: May 2, 2009
I get lonely. And I get sad. Even when I surround myself with friends and jam pack every moment with work, it still hits me. Sometimes i have to take a step back and really look at the situation, because at times its more than a bit surreal to me. Its so hard to have such a huge part of my life NOT be a part of my life. Tom means the world to me, but I have this whole life here that has nothing at all to do with him. Theres a huge disconnect within myself because of that. I want so much for him to be a part of my life... but he has no idea what that's like anymore.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Day 132: April 22, 2009
We had tornados here last weekend. About 4 touch downs in town, and two people died. I drove by the wreckage and I was just blown away by the randomness of it all. How one house is completely destroyed and the next only has minor roof damage. It's honestly amazing that only two people died. Those people are the luckiest unlucky people.
My mom and Paul visited me this weekend. I love having people here with me, but its so sad when they leave. I always feel so alone when they are gone.
I think Tom and I had an argument the other day. That's the thing about having your conversations online, sometimes you just don't get your tone out there and its hard to tell what the other person is feeling. Its also hard to tell if the internet is just flaking out or if the other person is purposely not saying anything to you because they are upset. He claims it was the internet... but I think he was just trying to diffuse the situation. I know that I was upset, and I know he was annoyed enough to be sarcastic, which is not often. So I guess it was an argument. I never apologized, and frankly I am not going to. I'm always the one to go back and apologize and make things right and I feel like it unvalidates my feelings and opinions to always be the first to give in, and I'm just not going to do that this time, I refuse. I was upset that he just never seems upset. I know, that sounds stupid, but its still how I feel. He bitches and moans about stupid shit like the possibility of having to drive far when he gets home, but you never hear him say a word about being away from me. No, that doesn't faze him, that's perfectly okay. And it annoys me because I am so totally NOT okay with it and I voice that constantly. And I'm sure that he doesn't enjoy being away from me, but he never SAYS anything to me about it. The one thing I told him that I needed him to do before he left to help me get through this deployment is to talk to me about how he is feeling about everything. I HATE feeling like I'm the only one hurting here.
My mom and Paul visited me this weekend. I love having people here with me, but its so sad when they leave. I always feel so alone when they are gone.
I think Tom and I had an argument the other day. That's the thing about having your conversations online, sometimes you just don't get your tone out there and its hard to tell what the other person is feeling. Its also hard to tell if the internet is just flaking out or if the other person is purposely not saying anything to you because they are upset. He claims it was the internet... but I think he was just trying to diffuse the situation. I know that I was upset, and I know he was annoyed enough to be sarcastic, which is not often. So I guess it was an argument. I never apologized, and frankly I am not going to. I'm always the one to go back and apologize and make things right and I feel like it unvalidates my feelings and opinions to always be the first to give in, and I'm just not going to do that this time, I refuse. I was upset that he just never seems upset. I know, that sounds stupid, but its still how I feel. He bitches and moans about stupid shit like the possibility of having to drive far when he gets home, but you never hear him say a word about being away from me. No, that doesn't faze him, that's perfectly okay. And it annoys me because I am so totally NOT okay with it and I voice that constantly. And I'm sure that he doesn't enjoy being away from me, but he never SAYS anything to me about it. The one thing I told him that I needed him to do before he left to help me get through this deployment is to talk to me about how he is feeling about everything. I HATE feeling like I'm the only one hurting here.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Day 117: April 6, 2009
You remember when you were a kid in elementary and school was kind of hard, but never too much for you to handle? But then you'd think about what it would be like in Middle School, with all the homework and projects, and you thought you'd never be able to handle it. And then you got to Middle School and it wasn't as bad as you thought, but oh boy, the thought of high school! High School seemed tough. Papers, hard classes like calculus and british literature, plus the whole social aspect. Thinking about high school from middle school seemed scary. But you got there, and you go through it, and it wasn't as bad as you thought. But now you're in high school and all you can think about is college. And if you thought that high school was hard well just wait for college. Extreme exams, 8 page papers, LECTURES, ew. Leaving your high school friends and your family behind to live in a DORM!?! How on earth would you be able to handle all that? But then you get there, you adjust, and it's not as hard as you thought it would be. And you start to think about graduate school. You hear that you have to study for hours on end. You need to give class-long presentations, write a thesis, do research, TEACH. You need to take class like multivariate data analysis and sturctural equation modeling, and you need to get a B in everything, to maintain the GPA to remain in your studies. You can't handle that! There's no way! You fear and fear it and you think you're going to be a failure, that you can't handle it. But then you get there, and you adjust... and again, it's not as bad as you thought it was going to be.
We adjust. We learn. We're constantly growing, and things that we probably couldn't have handle at one point in our life, we can now because we've learned to take it and deal with it. We've learned to adapt to the tough situation and after awhile it's not so tough anymore. It's what we're used to. And ya, that scary thing in the future, maybe right now we can't handle it, but when we get there, we'll learn to live with it. We've gotten this far.
That's how it's been for me. Definitely in my school life, lol. But also with this whole deployment thing. Leading up to it was the scariest thing ever and I didn't at all think I would be able to handle it. How could I live without the person that had become my other half? How could I live on my own at all? Could I really survive a whole year without seeing the person I love? Without kissing him, and holding him? And could I do it so far away from my family and friends that I'm left with no support system near me? At the time I would have said, no, i doubt it. But here I am. I've made it almost four months, a third of the way in. I'm still standing. And now that I'm here, its not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It sounds awful, but you really do adjust. You get used to not having that person around. You learn to be completely independent and to rely on yourself. You learn to not expect anything, because if you expect things they are going to be taken away. Maybe I am a little bit numb. But being numb does make dealing with it all easier. Like I said, we adjust to deal with things, mentally, physically, emotionally.
I think some people feel bad for me. I want to tell them that I am really okay, that its all fine. But I don't. I do appreciate all the kindness, and if it keeps people praying for him, than that's fine. How do you really explain to someone that you are okay with living without the person you love anyway?
I'll keep myself busy. I'll keep letting the days pass. Sooner or later they're all going to pass and I'll have gotten through this whole ordeal. I look forward to that day. Because even though I have adjusted, and I am used to this, doesn't mean at all that I don't want to go back to how it was before. I'll trade true happiness for numb and going through the motions anyday.
We adjust. We learn. We're constantly growing, and things that we probably couldn't have handle at one point in our life, we can now because we've learned to take it and deal with it. We've learned to adapt to the tough situation and after awhile it's not so tough anymore. It's what we're used to. And ya, that scary thing in the future, maybe right now we can't handle it, but when we get there, we'll learn to live with it. We've gotten this far.
That's how it's been for me. Definitely in my school life, lol. But also with this whole deployment thing. Leading up to it was the scariest thing ever and I didn't at all think I would be able to handle it. How could I live without the person that had become my other half? How could I live on my own at all? Could I really survive a whole year without seeing the person I love? Without kissing him, and holding him? And could I do it so far away from my family and friends that I'm left with no support system near me? At the time I would have said, no, i doubt it. But here I am. I've made it almost four months, a third of the way in. I'm still standing. And now that I'm here, its not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It sounds awful, but you really do adjust. You get used to not having that person around. You learn to be completely independent and to rely on yourself. You learn to not expect anything, because if you expect things they are going to be taken away. Maybe I am a little bit numb. But being numb does make dealing with it all easier. Like I said, we adjust to deal with things, mentally, physically, emotionally.
I think some people feel bad for me. I want to tell them that I am really okay, that its all fine. But I don't. I do appreciate all the kindness, and if it keeps people praying for him, than that's fine. How do you really explain to someone that you are okay with living without the person you love anyway?
I'll keep myself busy. I'll keep letting the days pass. Sooner or later they're all going to pass and I'll have gotten through this whole ordeal. I look forward to that day. Because even though I have adjusted, and I am used to this, doesn't mean at all that I don't want to go back to how it was before. I'll trade true happiness for numb and going through the motions anyday.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Day 107: March 27, 2009
We learn fairly quickly in life that nothing comes without a price. Nothing is free. And even when some really great things come along, it is never without a sacrifice.
Tom got promoted. He's now the squad leader in charge of two seperate shops I believe. He's wanted this for awhile, and I know he's going to be great at it. Excitingly for him, he is now being moved to days so he gets sunlight again. I know lately that the fact that he rarely saw the sun was starting to get at him, so this is a very good thing for him. For him. For us? Not so much. Him moving to days is nothing much a huge problem for us. Because of the huge time difference, the fact that he worked nights before meant that he worked when I was at school, and then we would both be sleeping at the same time. We would talk for about two and a half hours after he would get off work and before he went to bed. Now? Hell, I still don't know when we are going to be talking. He called me yesterday morning to let me know about the change, but since then I have not talked to him. I don't know when I will talk to him next. He should be coming home from work soon, but right when he gets back I'm going to have to go to school. My schedule during the days are a bit chaotic. Nothing is set in stone, I'm constantly going in at different times for various different reasons like if I have to tutor some students, go in to use the computer lab, do some prep work for my labs, or work with my group on a project. It is extremely difficult to factor in talking to him during my day. Its just gonna be hard, I know it.
I am happy for him. I know this is everything he has wanted. But I can't help but seeing the huge price it is going to cost for our relationship.
Tom got promoted. He's now the squad leader in charge of two seperate shops I believe. He's wanted this for awhile, and I know he's going to be great at it. Excitingly for him, he is now being moved to days so he gets sunlight again. I know lately that the fact that he rarely saw the sun was starting to get at him, so this is a very good thing for him. For him. For us? Not so much. Him moving to days is nothing much a huge problem for us. Because of the huge time difference, the fact that he worked nights before meant that he worked when I was at school, and then we would both be sleeping at the same time. We would talk for about two and a half hours after he would get off work and before he went to bed. Now? Hell, I still don't know when we are going to be talking. He called me yesterday morning to let me know about the change, but since then I have not talked to him. I don't know when I will talk to him next. He should be coming home from work soon, but right when he gets back I'm going to have to go to school. My schedule during the days are a bit chaotic. Nothing is set in stone, I'm constantly going in at different times for various different reasons like if I have to tutor some students, go in to use the computer lab, do some prep work for my labs, or work with my group on a project. It is extremely difficult to factor in talking to him during my day. Its just gonna be hard, I know it.
I am happy for him. I know this is everything he has wanted. But I can't help but seeing the huge price it is going to cost for our relationship.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Day 100: March 20, 2009
2400 hours.
144,000 minutes.
8,640,000 seconds.
That's how long 100 days is. Trust me when I say, 100 days is a long time. You don't believe me? You try going 100 days without the person you love. You try going 100 days without kissing and touching someone. I seriously feel like I have sensory deprivation because I just don't touch people anymore. I think my nerves will go on overload the next time they feel anything other than clothes against my skin. They say time flies when you are having fun. Well I am clearly not having fun because time is not flying. Its like a never ending cycle of nothingness. All I try to do is make through a week. Although somedays its enough just to make it through the day. I think my problem is that I just need something to look forward to that isn't so far away. August is such a long time from now (haven't even made it halfway to August! Ah!) and Thanksgiving is even farther. I need something soon to hold on to.
144,000 minutes.
8,640,000 seconds.
That's how long 100 days is. Trust me when I say, 100 days is a long time. You don't believe me? You try going 100 days without the person you love. You try going 100 days without kissing and touching someone. I seriously feel like I have sensory deprivation because I just don't touch people anymore. I think my nerves will go on overload the next time they feel anything other than clothes against my skin. They say time flies when you are having fun. Well I am clearly not having fun because time is not flying. Its like a never ending cycle of nothingness. All I try to do is make through a week. Although somedays its enough just to make it through the day. I think my problem is that I just need something to look forward to that isn't so far away. August is such a long time from now (haven't even made it halfway to August! Ah!) and Thanksgiving is even farther. I need something soon to hold on to.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Day 94: March 14, 2009
There's a wedding dress hanging in my closet. I don't know how to feel about that. It's a bit scary, and exciting, I suppose. But weird... I didn't think I'd be dress shopping till about July.
Everyone says that when you find the right dress that you just know. For some reason I didn't really think that would happen, and at least not till about 50 dresses later. But I should have known better. With me, I've always have a really good intuition about things, I always have. With people, with things. This apartment and my last I just knew I wanted them right away and I didnt even want to see any other ones. It was sort of like this with the dress. It was the first one I tried one, I loved it, and I didn't even want to bother trying anything else on, although I did, just to make sure I knew what I was talking about. lol, this is just how i shop. Unlike most of the female population, I really don't like shopping, and even less when there are other people with me. I like to get in and get out as fast as possible. I don't dawdle. I see what I want, I get it, and I'm out of there. (with the exception being, of course, a book store. Just try getting me out of there fast!)
The dress was perfect. I had seen it in some of the magazines and had ripped it out to go with my pile of dresses that I really liked. When Gina and I sat down with the greeter lady at the store she actually picked that one out for me the second we walked in. Its very flowly, which is perfect for the whole cruise wedding thing. The whole dress is perfect for my figure. It hugs and accentuates all the right places and really doesn't make me look huge at all (which is always a bonus!). There is always a worry that I will lose too much weight before the wedding because I've already lost 16 pounds and I'm still going strong, however they said they could take in the dress 2 sizes, and I really doubt I'll get any smaller than two sizes smaller. lol, it would be wicked sweet, but I doubt it would happen. Plus, and this is a huge factor, the dress was so inexpensive!!! I mean, I was expecting to pay like 4 times as much. So even if worse come to worst and they can't take in the dress enough, I'll just get a new one. It really wasn't that expensive at all. But I love it, so hopefully that won't have to happen.
It's a good thing Tom isn't home, because I know I would probably end up caving and showing it to him. I can't help it! Tom and I don't keep anything from each other and if he asked to see it, I don't think I would be able to say no. But i am on strict orders from Gina, my maid of honor, to NOT show him the dress under any circumstances. Fine...
Everyone says that when you find the right dress that you just know. For some reason I didn't really think that would happen, and at least not till about 50 dresses later. But I should have known better. With me, I've always have a really good intuition about things, I always have. With people, with things. This apartment and my last I just knew I wanted them right away and I didnt even want to see any other ones. It was sort of like this with the dress. It was the first one I tried one, I loved it, and I didn't even want to bother trying anything else on, although I did, just to make sure I knew what I was talking about. lol, this is just how i shop. Unlike most of the female population, I really don't like shopping, and even less when there are other people with me. I like to get in and get out as fast as possible. I don't dawdle. I see what I want, I get it, and I'm out of there. (with the exception being, of course, a book store. Just try getting me out of there fast!)
The dress was perfect. I had seen it in some of the magazines and had ripped it out to go with my pile of dresses that I really liked. When Gina and I sat down with the greeter lady at the store she actually picked that one out for me the second we walked in. Its very flowly, which is perfect for the whole cruise wedding thing. The whole dress is perfect for my figure. It hugs and accentuates all the right places and really doesn't make me look huge at all (which is always a bonus!). There is always a worry that I will lose too much weight before the wedding because I've already lost 16 pounds and I'm still going strong, however they said they could take in the dress 2 sizes, and I really doubt I'll get any smaller than two sizes smaller. lol, it would be wicked sweet, but I doubt it would happen. Plus, and this is a huge factor, the dress was so inexpensive!!! I mean, I was expecting to pay like 4 times as much. So even if worse come to worst and they can't take in the dress enough, I'll just get a new one. It really wasn't that expensive at all. But I love it, so hopefully that won't have to happen.
It's a good thing Tom isn't home, because I know I would probably end up caving and showing it to him. I can't help it! Tom and I don't keep anything from each other and if he asked to see it, I don't think I would be able to say no. But i am on strict orders from Gina, my maid of honor, to NOT show him the dress under any circumstances. Fine...
Friday, March 6, 2009
Day 86: Friday, March 6, 2009
I'm exhausted. It's felt like the longest week and yet I still find myself sitting here instead of tucking myself into bed. Tonight will be my first night sleeping completely alone since September. Tom has been gone since Dec. but at least I always had Charlie, my Shiba Inu puppy, curled beside me on my bed, giving me comfort and a sense of belonging as I drift into my dreams. I'm going home to visit my family in Mass tomorrow so my friend came to pick up Charlie today so he can watch him while I'm gone. It was honestly like a mother watching her baby go away to school for the first time. I wanted to cry! This place seems quieter, which is so ridiculous since Charlie is the quietest dog in the world. Still... ah, it just makes me feel so alone!
Things have been... rough, I guess is the correct term, between Tom and I in the past few weeks. Ever since Valentine's day actually, they just haven't been going smoothly. I know, given the circumstances that things were bound to get hard sooner or later, but I suppose I was naive thinking that it wouldn't be THIS hard. Before Tom left and I had a bad day, I knew I could come home to him and all my troubles would be forgotten. Being with him is soothing and healing. We had each other to rely on and to relieve the stress of the day. Now though, I have a bad day and I'm lucky if I even get to talk to him about it. And of course when I don't get to talk to him because of him working extreme hours or the internet flaking out, it not only doesn't soothe me, but it magnifies the whole bad day concept in my head. To him, we're doing fine. He sees all his friends barely holding on to their relationships. Their significant others are out with other guys or just aren't putting in any effort to making their relationships survive, and I know that must be achingly frustrating for them. In comparison for him, yea, we're doing fine. But to me, from over here, comparing what we have now to what we had before, we aren't doing fine. I just feel like there is some secret way to get through this that we are just missing out on. Why isn't there a Staples easy button I can press to just make all this hard stuff go away?
I have faith in us, and in our relationship and I know we are going to get through this. But wow... I just wish it could be easier.
Things have been... rough, I guess is the correct term, between Tom and I in the past few weeks. Ever since Valentine's day actually, they just haven't been going smoothly. I know, given the circumstances that things were bound to get hard sooner or later, but I suppose I was naive thinking that it wouldn't be THIS hard. Before Tom left and I had a bad day, I knew I could come home to him and all my troubles would be forgotten. Being with him is soothing and healing. We had each other to rely on and to relieve the stress of the day. Now though, I have a bad day and I'm lucky if I even get to talk to him about it. And of course when I don't get to talk to him because of him working extreme hours or the internet flaking out, it not only doesn't soothe me, but it magnifies the whole bad day concept in my head. To him, we're doing fine. He sees all his friends barely holding on to their relationships. Their significant others are out with other guys or just aren't putting in any effort to making their relationships survive, and I know that must be achingly frustrating for them. In comparison for him, yea, we're doing fine. But to me, from over here, comparing what we have now to what we had before, we aren't doing fine. I just feel like there is some secret way to get through this that we are just missing out on. Why isn't there a Staples easy button I can press to just make all this hard stuff go away?
I have faith in us, and in our relationship and I know we are going to get through this. But wow... I just wish it could be easier.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Day 82: Monday March 2, 2009
I'm meeting with Dr. Kim, my thesis advisor, tomorrow to discuss the change in my masters thesis topic. My graduate program is something that's called quantitative psychology, which is basically statistical analysis for behavioral sciences. It's not an exciting job, and no I can't psychoanalyze you, but I am good at it, and hopefully one day its going to make me a lot of money, far more than those Freud wannabe's. Not that not being a Freud wannabe deters anyone from confessing all their secrets and expecting me to solve all their problems. I guess that's the price I pay for being a people person in the psychology field. And is it really their fault that no one besides the 12 people in my program know exactly what quantitative psychology?
I digress. Anyway, so up until Thursday my thesis topic was an exploratory study on military wives infidelity during soldier's deployment. For obvious reasons I am interested in this topic. You should hear the stories that Tom tells me! He said he's one of the only ones he knows that isn't having relationship problems over there, and it's only been three months. How hard is it to not cheat on your husband? I just don't understand it! Which is exactly why I want to study it. Interestingly, when I started doing literature review to find previous studies on this I couldn't find a single thing. In fact, I couldn't even find a hard statistical figure for the military divorce rate. Which is weird, because this is obviously an issue and it needs to be looked into, like 7 years ago.
Apparently though, its not so weird. I guess the military doesn't want people to do any research that would put them in a bad light. Which is just find so ridiculous, because with research we can pinpoint problems and then help them. Trust me, I guarantee that if wives stopped cheating on their husbands morale over seas would boost ten-fold. But hey, what do I know? I'm just a lowly grad student. With that being said the chances of me getting permission to conduct this research is about .01%, which even not being a quant student you can tell is not very likely. And without permission from the military there's no way I could go any further without serious ramifications, and really my masters thesis is so NOT worth getting into trouble with the military, especially since I want to get a govt. job when I graduate.
It's still a shame, really. I know I could have been published. And I know I would have been able to really start progress on finding what is behind the desire to be unfaithful and start building up some sort of preventive programs.
I guess I'll just stick to making my own future marriage the best that it can be instead of taking on the weight of the whole militarys.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Day 80: Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wedding plans are coming along. Successfully? Well... we will see. All the invitations are due back in a week, but I will really doubt that I will get them all. Not that it really matters much anyways because almost all of them have been checked with, "Sorry, we're all booked up." Understandable since we're going on a cruise and to them I am not worth the cost of the airfare & cruise apparently. Don't people realize that this is going to be fun as hell? It's not just my wedding, its a freakin' vacation!! I don't understand why people arent jumping over themselves excited over this. Maybe I'm having a case of, "I am the bride, the world revolves around me" but I just don't see how more people aren't excited. Or why I've only got two responses saying, "We'll be cruising with you!"
I knew going into this that 75% of the people I invited were going to turn me down. I just didn't realize how much that would suck. I've always wanted a small wedding, but I wanted more than 5 people there.
In the end it won't matter, I know. As long as Tom is there, I'll be fine. I'll be happy with him by my side. I just wish more people wanted to celebrate my happiness with me.
I knew going into this that 75% of the people I invited were going to turn me down. I just didn't realize how much that would suck. I've always wanted a small wedding, but I wanted more than 5 people there.
In the end it won't matter, I know. As long as Tom is there, I'll be fine. I'll be happy with him by my side. I just wish more people wanted to celebrate my happiness with me.
Day 69: Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Valentine's Day was on Saturday. My expectation were pretty low considering the situation and the awful luck that Tom and I seem to have on that day. The first year we were together I was living in Mass and he was in Tenn. He was supposed to fly up to see me for Valentine's Day, except of course there was a giant snow storm and his flight got delayed till the next day. He did get me a phone that year though as a gift (and his dog tags, which I've pretty much worn ever since) which was good because our phone bills had been ridiculously expensive. Last Valentine's Day was six days after my accident. I had been home for maybe one or two days and really hadn't done anything more than get out of bed, hobble to the couch, and back again. I was still getting used to crutches, it was just bad, lol. My mom and Paul were still in town helping out, so Tom and I hadn't really gotten too much alone time either, and we hadn't seen each other for about a month. They went out to a nice steak place. He brought me home flowers and Chinese food and then dragged me to the car (yikes, driving!) and took me to cold stone, which i was super excited for because I kept saying that I had wanted to go ever since it opened. Well, I think everyone in Clarksville wanted to go to Cold Stone that night. Tom settled me onto one of their few tables and he stood in line for probably an hour. I felt bad. lol, then later that night was definitely not the romantic night I had been planning it to be, pretty much because I could barely move at that point in time.
This valentine's day I was awoken to the delivery man bringing me flowers. I'm sorry, but no matter how many times I get flowers, I will never get sick of them. I love getting flowers! (and in that respect I am SUCH a girl, but I so don't care). I think I fell back asleep because I was still tired, and hey, why not? It's Saturday and I have zero plans. I woke up and went online because I knew Tom had the day off and I wanted to see if he was on. I had an email from him and it was entitled '10 Things'. In it he wrote ten things that he loves about me. It was really sweet, I loved it. Then I went and checked my mail-mail and there was a card from him that just fit us perfectly. I do believe there is a science in picking out the perfect card. Sometimes I will be there for a couple hours trying to find the best possible card. He did well. That night we had plans for a "date". I got all dressed up and prettified (i made up that word) and then went and got my food. Since Tom's selection of food places consists of burger king, pizza hut, subway, or their dining commons, we decided to both get subway, bring it back to our computers, and eat together. It was as close to a going out date as we could possibly get. It was cute. We ate "together" something we haven't done in months. No, the situation was not perfect, but we did the best we could given our circumstances. You've got to make the best of the situation youre in, even if its not the greatest. That's the only way you can make it work. Appreciate what you have and be greatful that you have anything at all. I do envy those people who got to actually be WITH their loved ones on Valentines Day. I envy those people who got to touch and kiss their significant others. But, I wouldn't trade what I've got with Tom for anything. We're going to be married in less than a year! And all I have to do is hold on to that thought, and to the thought of him coming home in roughly 295 days, and it will get me through this.
Day 58: Friday, February 6, 2009
Last year on the first friday in February was the 8th. Looking back these days are fairly similiar. Today is gorgeous out and I remember it being very warm that day. I remember while driving taking off my new coat and putting it on the seat because it was too warm for it. Tom is gone, and that day he was away in Virginia for training. I was by myself. I hadn't seen him in about a month, but I was excited because he was going to be coming home that Monday. I taught SPSS in the lab for Dr. Schmidt's Basic Stats class, which is exactly what I did today, same schedulue and everything.
It was a good morning. Nice weather puts me in a good mood. I was definitely sick of winter at this point. I left MTSU feeling happy and excited. I liked teaching a lot, and hoped to do it more. I had a long drive ahead of me because at that time Tom and I were living in Pleasant View which is northwest of Nashville. Its was a little over an hour drive, but I had become used to it, driving back and forth everyday. It was around 1:10pm when I was driving through Nashville. Normally around that time on Fridays traffic isn't too bad, but for some reason there seemed to be a lot more cars on the road than usual. Driving through Nashville is a pain. Three main highways merge together (24, 40, & 65). It gets a bit chaotic if you don't know where you are going, trying to find fix lane to stay in or when to change. I was past all the main buildings in Nashville, right before Thompson Lane exit, where 24 and 65 sort of merge together for a couple miles. I was aware of all the cars around me, because I knew I evenutally had to get into the left hand lane to stay on 24, but I had plenty of time so I was going to wait a bit for a more open space. I had the radio on some top 40 channel and they were playing some rappy hiphoppy song that I didn't really know, so I wasn't singing along like I normally do with the radio.
I didn't see my car get hit, but I sure did feel it. I felt my tiny little car move over and I knew instantly that the tracker trailer next to me had hit me. One second I had complete control of the car. And the next it was gone. I don't think people realize just how frightening it is to lose control of your vehicle unless it has happened to you. You don't think about it when you do have control, but theres a huge ease knowing that when you move the wheel your wheel are going to turn, and when you hit the brake your car is going to slow down, and when you hit the gas, the car goes. When you don't have that control, you feel completely powerless. You are a slave to the road and all you can do is hang on and hope that it will either stop or you will gain control again. You can hold on to that wheel, slam your foot down on the brake, but its all for nothing. The laws of physics win in the end.
I was across the two lanes of traffic before I even realized it, and when my mind did finally click into place I saw myself falling down the medium. You ever go sledding and go down a hill and have your sled go completely airborne and then slam back down into the snow? It was more like that, except it was a much larger form of transportation and the ground didn't have the same impact that snow has on a sled. I slammed down much much harder and that's when my airbag exploded. Everything was very loud. Of course, because I pretty much free fell down the medium my car was still going... into oncoming traffic. This is when I knew I was not going to survive. I assessed the situation and came up with the only thing I thought possible, which was that this was it for me. In that split second I was upset because I didn't want to go, I really thought it was unfair to die that young. My life didn't flash before my eyes or anything, but I was very aware that I was going to die.
I braced myself as I saw the first car slam into me, and then really felt the impact as the truck hit me next. I felt the pain from the impact, it was horrible, and I felt my car spinning. All I could think was please let this stop, and please don't get hit again, because I didn't think I could take another hit. And then, by some miracle, the car stopped.
The whole incident was probably a total of three seconds, but it felt like an eternity.
At some point I must have closed my eyes out of total and utter fear and I to fight the feeling of wanting to just keep them closed forever. Because once i opened them I knew that it would all be real, and not some sort of insane dream I was having. When I opened them all sorts of realization hit me at once, 1) A chunk of my hair was lying on my leg, 2) I could move neither of my legs, one was trapped by my steering wheel and the other one, well... it just wasn't budging, 3) I had glass all over me and there was blood coming from somewhere, and 4) my passenger side was just... gone. This is when I started freaking out.
I looked over to my left and saw a man running toward me. I'm pretty sure he was the one driving the truck (not the semi, but the truck) that hit me third. He asked me if I was okay, and I think I said, "ya, ya I'm fine," but clearly I should have been saying, "hell no, i'm not okay". He called them cops and some woman from somewhere came over. She asked if I could call anyone. I sort of broke down at that moment because I realized that I had NO ONE to call. I didn't really have any friends at that time, and my whole family is in Mass, and Tom was in Virgina on training. It was irrational, but my first thought was, "who is going to pick me up from the hospital?" At that moment I raelly hadn't assessed the severity of my injuries, I think it was the shock. The woman tried to calm me down and asked for peoples numbers anyway and for the life of me I could not come up with a single number. It was like my mind of completely blank. Somehow Tom's number popped up and I had her call him because I knew that he could call other people. Then the man who called the police came over and asked if there was anyone else I could call and I remembered my dads number. Once the woman got Tom on the phone I started crying. The whole thing was just insane and I had no one and I wanted him to be there with me so bad. He must of asked her how I was and she totally downplayed it and said I was fine, which I wasn't. Well, I guess later on that caused problems when he was relaying news to the rest of my family because he's thinking I'm fine, and my dad heard that I was so not fine, so I guess everyone was very confused.
There seemed to be a group forming around my car and I was getting mad because I heard them saying that it was because I had a blow out and that I caused all this. I was not going to be blamed for this because I knew it wasn't my fault. And like I said, I was not thinking rationaly at this moment and it was really upsetting me that people would think I caused this all. So I said, "I got hit by a truck! He didn't see me and he tried to change lanes!" And then some other lady looked over and saw the semi on the other side of the highway that had pulled over (because he hit me!) and started saying, "omg, she's right, there's the truck!" I don't know, after that I ignored all those crazy people except when someone took a picture. It was very odd, but then I remembered that if I was him and I had my camera I probably would have done the same.
I heard the sirens and was relieved because I wanted desperately to get out of the car. Some very nice fireman EMS guy came over. His name was Cory and for some odd reason he reminded me exactly of Ben, who is my friend my Mass that works on the firedepartment with my stepdad Paul. This made me happy, because Ben always put a smile on my face. He asked me if I was okay and what was bothering me and he relayed back to someone that he thought my leg was broken. That was not a surprise to me. Although I thought they were both broken at this point because I couldn't move the left one because it was trapped underneath the steering wheel. The right one was not trapped but I couldn't move that one either. They put this horribly uncomfortable neck brace on me incase I had some spine injury or something ( I really came to hate that neck brace in the next couple of days because they never took it off!).
There was lots of people around working on me and trying to figure out how to get me out of the car. They used the jaws of life to cut the steering wheel off me. Then they cut the seatbelt off me because for some odd reason I did not think to undo it myself (that seatbelt saved my life, btw). Next came the really fun part. And when I say fun I mean the most painful thing I've ever been through in my entire life. Have you ever had a broken bone? Well, I had never before this, and let me tell you, I never really knew pain. You can't know it until you've felt it. Cory looked at me and said that this was going to be the hard part, but it would only last a minute and then they'd get me to the hospital. Well, the whole shock thing definitely wore off. They had to pull me out of the car, but because of my injuries and the way the car was so messed up, they had to pull me back through the back passenger door. Let me tell you, this was no easy feat. I screamed, a lot, it was just the worst possible feeling in the world. Words will just never describe that agonizing moment. Never move a broken bone like that. You should just NOT do that.
I pretty much cried from relief when they finally got me into the ambulance. Let me just say this right here, there is absolutely no shame or pride involved when you are as hurt as that. They told me they had to cut off my clothes then and I didn't even care. Okay, that's not true, I cared that they were ruining my clothes. I had on all new stuff that I had gotten got Christmas. A purple sweater, a really nice pair of jeans and my new beautiful purple victoria secret bra. I honestly asked him if he had to cut that off and I think he thought it was because I didn't want to be naked or something, but that was totally not what I cared about at that moment.
The ride to Vanderbilt didn't take very long. Cory asked me to rate my pain 1 being like nothing and 10 being the worst pain I ever felt. I said 10, since it was definitely the worst pain I've ever felt. But before then I had had a pretty lucky life. Never broken a bone or anything like that. He told me not to be worried but when I got to Vanderbilt they were going to take me into a large room and there would be A LOT of people around me. I guess whenever there's an accident of that severity they have to do a special 10 people check up or something, I don't know. But he was right, when the rolled me in it was like chaos. There was so many people and they had to move me again unto a real hospital bed and that sucked, but it didn't take as long as getting me out of the car. But then they kept rolling me to vaccum up all the glass and I wanted to yell and scream again because it hurt so freakin bad. There was craziness going on for quite some time and the whole thing is honestly all a blur. Eventually they were rolling me to a different room to get an MRI and X-rays. The MRI wasn't bad, and didn't take too long. But then came the x-rays, and this was definitely the closest that I got to really yelling at someone during this whole experience. These children were idiots. Honestly, they were like children doing my x-rays. Some med students who had no idea what they were doing. They had me holding up my very broken leg (which again I cannot describe the pain of movement) and then they couldnt get the freaking thing to work. My leg was in so much pain that my muscles ended up spasming out and then they had to do it over again. I hated them, I really really hated them at that moment.
Eventually they took me back to that large room and things calmed down a bit. Although I was very confused because many people kept coming to check on me and I had no idea who my doctor was. I noticed that I still had glass stuck in my hands and asked about five people if they could get it out. They kept saying that they would have someone come do that but no one did. I also um... needed a female product but they didn't have any. I'm sorry, what kind of place doesn't have any female products? That's messed up. (that turned out to not be a huge problem because my body had gone into shock and my period just stopped, kinda interesting). Anyway, no one was listening to me and I was getting a little annoyed. Finally some very good looking young orthopedic surgeon came in to talk to me. I believe he was my main surgeon assistant or something, I'm not really sure how hospital politics go. He told me that they would have to do surgery on both my femur and my ankle. Well, this was the first that I've heard that my ankle was broken. I didn't even feel that. The pain in my femur completely blocked out the pain coming from my ankle. Dr. Kahn, my surgeon, came in a little bit after his assistant had left and told me all about the surgery and how they would be sticking a metal rod in my femur to put it back together and put two screws in my ankle to hold that together. He said if I only had the femur break it wouldn't be so bad and I wouldve been mobile again pretty soon, but because of my ankle he didn't think I'd be able to walk for another 6-8 weeks.
6-8 weeks? WEEKS? As in, TWO MONTHS? What about school? Hello, I was just getting started into this semester, I couldnt just take two months off. I started freaking out again. This stupid accident was ruining everything, all my plans! He told me that he was going to try to get my surgery in tonight and then left me to stew about all by myself.
This really nice social worker came in and got my mom on the phone for me. She was freaking out, but her and Paul were at an airport and were flying down to see me. That made me feel a lot better, I didnt want to be alone. When I hung up with her I got to talk to Tom and he was working with the red cross and the social worker to try to get out of his training a couple days early to come home to be with me. There was a little bit of trouble because we werent married and I wasnt dying, but eventually they gave him permission to leave in the morning so he planned on getting there by the next night.
I told some nurse that I had contacts in and she reccommended I take them out before the surgery. Problem, there's still glass in my hand and theres no way I am sticking my fingers anywhere near my eyes with that. So finally someone came and cleaned out all the glass in my hand, and what do you know, they say that I should have gotten stitches, but because they waited too long they could no longer do them. Thanks a lot, now I have a nice scar on my hand (not that it really compares to the other scars... still, it was avoidable!) I asked the woman if I could have somethink to drink because I was really really thirsty and she said no. I thought she was kidding. Nope. Apparently you can't eat or drink if you are having surgery. That whole concept seems totally stupid to me. Everyone needs water! She turned off the lights and told me to get some sleep before my surgery.
I had no idea what time it was. The whole day was just... well, crazy, and time had kept slowing down, speeding up, and I had no sense of it. I laid there, tried to close my eyes, but I couldn't sleep. Everything started sinking in at that point. I almost died. And the scarier part was that I almost died alone. The whole alone thing really started bothering me. I didn't want to sit there in the dark right then alone. I could feel the tears coming and my breath getting shallow, and I'm pretty sure that what I was having was a slight panic attack. My monitors started making strange beeping sounds and a nurse rushed in and told me to calm down and to take deep breaths. Somehow I calmed down but I didnt fall back asleep.
They took me away to go to surgery. I was in some other room with the anesthesiologist and he told me they were going to move me to another table. I asked if they would wait till I was passed out for that (I really wanted to just pass out so I didn't have to feel the pain anymore), and he jokingly said no. Except I didn't know he was kidding and I started to cry anticipating all that pain again. He noticed I was crying and quickly reassured me they would not move me till I was fast asleep. He gave me the stuff, had me count back from twenty and then...
... I woke up somewhere completely different. I couldn't open my eyes but I could hear. I heard my mother talking to someone (probably my doctor) but I was just so happy to hear a familiar voice and know that I wasn't alone anymore. I said her name and she came over and then I asked if I could finally have some water and they gave me some ice chips. I remember munching on them, and then I close my eyes...
... And again woke up somewhere complete different. This time I was in a room. The nurses came to check on me every hour, so I never really got any peaceful sleep. Plus my mom and paul were sleeping in the room in very odd places.
Honestly, the next few days were a huge blur. Tom came the next night. At one point I was all alone again and I had another panic attack. A couple days after the surgery I noticed that there was still glass all in my head, and oh wait, every completely missed the huge gash in my head where a chunck of my scalp and hair came out. How they missed that, I dont know, lol. Tom and Paul went and investigated my car and managed by great force to get my purse out of there. They would have to tell that story because I don't really know the details, I just know that it took a lot of effort.
A physical therapist came one of those days and made me finally get out of bed. Ya... that was awful. She made me us crutches to try to get to the bathroom; I probably made it three feet. I never realized how something so easy like walking to the bathroom could become so difficult. I just couldn't do it, my body didn't have the strength. Over the next couple of days I practiced more and more till I was eventually getting there on my own.
I got to leave the hospital 4 or 5 days after my accident. I was very happy to leave. I was really sick of that place.
It was a good morning. Nice weather puts me in a good mood. I was definitely sick of winter at this point. I left MTSU feeling happy and excited. I liked teaching a lot, and hoped to do it more. I had a long drive ahead of me because at that time Tom and I were living in Pleasant View which is northwest of Nashville. Its was a little over an hour drive, but I had become used to it, driving back and forth everyday. It was around 1:10pm when I was driving through Nashville. Normally around that time on Fridays traffic isn't too bad, but for some reason there seemed to be a lot more cars on the road than usual. Driving through Nashville is a pain. Three main highways merge together (24, 40, & 65). It gets a bit chaotic if you don't know where you are going, trying to find fix lane to stay in or when to change. I was past all the main buildings in Nashville, right before Thompson Lane exit, where 24 and 65 sort of merge together for a couple miles. I was aware of all the cars around me, because I knew I evenutally had to get into the left hand lane to stay on 24, but I had plenty of time so I was going to wait a bit for a more open space. I had the radio on some top 40 channel and they were playing some rappy hiphoppy song that I didn't really know, so I wasn't singing along like I normally do with the radio.
I didn't see my car get hit, but I sure did feel it. I felt my tiny little car move over and I knew instantly that the tracker trailer next to me had hit me. One second I had complete control of the car. And the next it was gone. I don't think people realize just how frightening it is to lose control of your vehicle unless it has happened to you. You don't think about it when you do have control, but theres a huge ease knowing that when you move the wheel your wheel are going to turn, and when you hit the brake your car is going to slow down, and when you hit the gas, the car goes. When you don't have that control, you feel completely powerless. You are a slave to the road and all you can do is hang on and hope that it will either stop or you will gain control again. You can hold on to that wheel, slam your foot down on the brake, but its all for nothing. The laws of physics win in the end.
I was across the two lanes of traffic before I even realized it, and when my mind did finally click into place I saw myself falling down the medium. You ever go sledding and go down a hill and have your sled go completely airborne and then slam back down into the snow? It was more like that, except it was a much larger form of transportation and the ground didn't have the same impact that snow has on a sled. I slammed down much much harder and that's when my airbag exploded. Everything was very loud. Of course, because I pretty much free fell down the medium my car was still going... into oncoming traffic. This is when I knew I was not going to survive. I assessed the situation and came up with the only thing I thought possible, which was that this was it for me. In that split second I was upset because I didn't want to go, I really thought it was unfair to die that young. My life didn't flash before my eyes or anything, but I was very aware that I was going to die.
I braced myself as I saw the first car slam into me, and then really felt the impact as the truck hit me next. I felt the pain from the impact, it was horrible, and I felt my car spinning. All I could think was please let this stop, and please don't get hit again, because I didn't think I could take another hit. And then, by some miracle, the car stopped.
The whole incident was probably a total of three seconds, but it felt like an eternity.
At some point I must have closed my eyes out of total and utter fear and I to fight the feeling of wanting to just keep them closed forever. Because once i opened them I knew that it would all be real, and not some sort of insane dream I was having. When I opened them all sorts of realization hit me at once, 1) A chunk of my hair was lying on my leg, 2) I could move neither of my legs, one was trapped by my steering wheel and the other one, well... it just wasn't budging, 3) I had glass all over me and there was blood coming from somewhere, and 4) my passenger side was just... gone. This is when I started freaking out.
I looked over to my left and saw a man running toward me. I'm pretty sure he was the one driving the truck (not the semi, but the truck) that hit me third. He asked me if I was okay, and I think I said, "ya, ya I'm fine," but clearly I should have been saying, "hell no, i'm not okay". He called them cops and some woman from somewhere came over. She asked if I could call anyone. I sort of broke down at that moment because I realized that I had NO ONE to call. I didn't really have any friends at that time, and my whole family is in Mass, and Tom was in Virgina on training. It was irrational, but my first thought was, "who is going to pick me up from the hospital?" At that moment I raelly hadn't assessed the severity of my injuries, I think it was the shock. The woman tried to calm me down and asked for peoples numbers anyway and for the life of me I could not come up with a single number. It was like my mind of completely blank. Somehow Tom's number popped up and I had her call him because I knew that he could call other people. Then the man who called the police came over and asked if there was anyone else I could call and I remembered my dads number. Once the woman got Tom on the phone I started crying. The whole thing was just insane and I had no one and I wanted him to be there with me so bad. He must of asked her how I was and she totally downplayed it and said I was fine, which I wasn't. Well, I guess later on that caused problems when he was relaying news to the rest of my family because he's thinking I'm fine, and my dad heard that I was so not fine, so I guess everyone was very confused.
There seemed to be a group forming around my car and I was getting mad because I heard them saying that it was because I had a blow out and that I caused all this. I was not going to be blamed for this because I knew it wasn't my fault. And like I said, I was not thinking rationaly at this moment and it was really upsetting me that people would think I caused this all. So I said, "I got hit by a truck! He didn't see me and he tried to change lanes!" And then some other lady looked over and saw the semi on the other side of the highway that had pulled over (because he hit me!) and started saying, "omg, she's right, there's the truck!" I don't know, after that I ignored all those crazy people except when someone took a picture. It was very odd, but then I remembered that if I was him and I had my camera I probably would have done the same.
I heard the sirens and was relieved because I wanted desperately to get out of the car. Some very nice fireman EMS guy came over. His name was Cory and for some odd reason he reminded me exactly of Ben, who is my friend my Mass that works on the firedepartment with my stepdad Paul. This made me happy, because Ben always put a smile on my face. He asked me if I was okay and what was bothering me and he relayed back to someone that he thought my leg was broken. That was not a surprise to me. Although I thought they were both broken at this point because I couldn't move the left one because it was trapped underneath the steering wheel. The right one was not trapped but I couldn't move that one either. They put this horribly uncomfortable neck brace on me incase I had some spine injury or something ( I really came to hate that neck brace in the next couple of days because they never took it off!).
There was lots of people around working on me and trying to figure out how to get me out of the car. They used the jaws of life to cut the steering wheel off me. Then they cut the seatbelt off me because for some odd reason I did not think to undo it myself (that seatbelt saved my life, btw). Next came the really fun part. And when I say fun I mean the most painful thing I've ever been through in my entire life. Have you ever had a broken bone? Well, I had never before this, and let me tell you, I never really knew pain. You can't know it until you've felt it. Cory looked at me and said that this was going to be the hard part, but it would only last a minute and then they'd get me to the hospital. Well, the whole shock thing definitely wore off. They had to pull me out of the car, but because of my injuries and the way the car was so messed up, they had to pull me back through the back passenger door. Let me tell you, this was no easy feat. I screamed, a lot, it was just the worst possible feeling in the world. Words will just never describe that agonizing moment. Never move a broken bone like that. You should just NOT do that.
I pretty much cried from relief when they finally got me into the ambulance. Let me just say this right here, there is absolutely no shame or pride involved when you are as hurt as that. They told me they had to cut off my clothes then and I didn't even care. Okay, that's not true, I cared that they were ruining my clothes. I had on all new stuff that I had gotten got Christmas. A purple sweater, a really nice pair of jeans and my new beautiful purple victoria secret bra. I honestly asked him if he had to cut that off and I think he thought it was because I didn't want to be naked or something, but that was totally not what I cared about at that moment.
The ride to Vanderbilt didn't take very long. Cory asked me to rate my pain 1 being like nothing and 10 being the worst pain I ever felt. I said 10, since it was definitely the worst pain I've ever felt. But before then I had had a pretty lucky life. Never broken a bone or anything like that. He told me not to be worried but when I got to Vanderbilt they were going to take me into a large room and there would be A LOT of people around me. I guess whenever there's an accident of that severity they have to do a special 10 people check up or something, I don't know. But he was right, when the rolled me in it was like chaos. There was so many people and they had to move me again unto a real hospital bed and that sucked, but it didn't take as long as getting me out of the car. But then they kept rolling me to vaccum up all the glass and I wanted to yell and scream again because it hurt so freakin bad. There was craziness going on for quite some time and the whole thing is honestly all a blur. Eventually they were rolling me to a different room to get an MRI and X-rays. The MRI wasn't bad, and didn't take too long. But then came the x-rays, and this was definitely the closest that I got to really yelling at someone during this whole experience. These children were idiots. Honestly, they were like children doing my x-rays. Some med students who had no idea what they were doing. They had me holding up my very broken leg (which again I cannot describe the pain of movement) and then they couldnt get the freaking thing to work. My leg was in so much pain that my muscles ended up spasming out and then they had to do it over again. I hated them, I really really hated them at that moment.
Eventually they took me back to that large room and things calmed down a bit. Although I was very confused because many people kept coming to check on me and I had no idea who my doctor was. I noticed that I still had glass stuck in my hands and asked about five people if they could get it out. They kept saying that they would have someone come do that but no one did. I also um... needed a female product but they didn't have any. I'm sorry, what kind of place doesn't have any female products? That's messed up. (that turned out to not be a huge problem because my body had gone into shock and my period just stopped, kinda interesting). Anyway, no one was listening to me and I was getting a little annoyed. Finally some very good looking young orthopedic surgeon came in to talk to me. I believe he was my main surgeon assistant or something, I'm not really sure how hospital politics go. He told me that they would have to do surgery on both my femur and my ankle. Well, this was the first that I've heard that my ankle was broken. I didn't even feel that. The pain in my femur completely blocked out the pain coming from my ankle. Dr. Kahn, my surgeon, came in a little bit after his assistant had left and told me all about the surgery and how they would be sticking a metal rod in my femur to put it back together and put two screws in my ankle to hold that together. He said if I only had the femur break it wouldn't be so bad and I wouldve been mobile again pretty soon, but because of my ankle he didn't think I'd be able to walk for another 6-8 weeks.
6-8 weeks? WEEKS? As in, TWO MONTHS? What about school? Hello, I was just getting started into this semester, I couldnt just take two months off. I started freaking out again. This stupid accident was ruining everything, all my plans! He told me that he was going to try to get my surgery in tonight and then left me to stew about all by myself.
This really nice social worker came in and got my mom on the phone for me. She was freaking out, but her and Paul were at an airport and were flying down to see me. That made me feel a lot better, I didnt want to be alone. When I hung up with her I got to talk to Tom and he was working with the red cross and the social worker to try to get out of his training a couple days early to come home to be with me. There was a little bit of trouble because we werent married and I wasnt dying, but eventually they gave him permission to leave in the morning so he planned on getting there by the next night.
I told some nurse that I had contacts in and she reccommended I take them out before the surgery. Problem, there's still glass in my hand and theres no way I am sticking my fingers anywhere near my eyes with that. So finally someone came and cleaned out all the glass in my hand, and what do you know, they say that I should have gotten stitches, but because they waited too long they could no longer do them. Thanks a lot, now I have a nice scar on my hand (not that it really compares to the other scars... still, it was avoidable!) I asked the woman if I could have somethink to drink because I was really really thirsty and she said no. I thought she was kidding. Nope. Apparently you can't eat or drink if you are having surgery. That whole concept seems totally stupid to me. Everyone needs water! She turned off the lights and told me to get some sleep before my surgery.
I had no idea what time it was. The whole day was just... well, crazy, and time had kept slowing down, speeding up, and I had no sense of it. I laid there, tried to close my eyes, but I couldn't sleep. Everything started sinking in at that point. I almost died. And the scarier part was that I almost died alone. The whole alone thing really started bothering me. I didn't want to sit there in the dark right then alone. I could feel the tears coming and my breath getting shallow, and I'm pretty sure that what I was having was a slight panic attack. My monitors started making strange beeping sounds and a nurse rushed in and told me to calm down and to take deep breaths. Somehow I calmed down but I didnt fall back asleep.
They took me away to go to surgery. I was in some other room with the anesthesiologist and he told me they were going to move me to another table. I asked if they would wait till I was passed out for that (I really wanted to just pass out so I didn't have to feel the pain anymore), and he jokingly said no. Except I didn't know he was kidding and I started to cry anticipating all that pain again. He noticed I was crying and quickly reassured me they would not move me till I was fast asleep. He gave me the stuff, had me count back from twenty and then...
... I woke up somewhere completely different. I couldn't open my eyes but I could hear. I heard my mother talking to someone (probably my doctor) but I was just so happy to hear a familiar voice and know that I wasn't alone anymore. I said her name and she came over and then I asked if I could finally have some water and they gave me some ice chips. I remember munching on them, and then I close my eyes...
... And again woke up somewhere complete different. This time I was in a room. The nurses came to check on me every hour, so I never really got any peaceful sleep. Plus my mom and paul were sleeping in the room in very odd places.
Honestly, the next few days were a huge blur. Tom came the next night. At one point I was all alone again and I had another panic attack. A couple days after the surgery I noticed that there was still glass all in my head, and oh wait, every completely missed the huge gash in my head where a chunck of my scalp and hair came out. How they missed that, I dont know, lol. Tom and Paul went and investigated my car and managed by great force to get my purse out of there. They would have to tell that story because I don't really know the details, I just know that it took a lot of effort.
A physical therapist came one of those days and made me finally get out of bed. Ya... that was awful. She made me us crutches to try to get to the bathroom; I probably made it three feet. I never realized how something so easy like walking to the bathroom could become so difficult. I just couldn't do it, my body didn't have the strength. Over the next couple of days I practiced more and more till I was eventually getting there on my own.
I got to leave the hospital 4 or 5 days after my accident. I was very happy to leave. I was really sick of that place.
Day 53: Sunday, Feb 1, 2009
Originally Tom had signed up for his R&R for July but was denied that month. R&R is their one time leave that they get from overseas to come home for two weeks. They still take it out of their total leave days (which personally, I think is bullshit because if they were home they would be having weekends off, but whatever, I'm not in charge of the army, I dont make the rules). Anyway, his request for leave in July was denied and they put him for April. I was extremely disappointed about this. April is a terrible month for him to come home. 1) end of semester, theres always a ton of stuff to do 2) its only 5 months into the deployment. I wanted his R&R to be at least halfway through, so then the second half would go by really quick.
Well, over the last couple months having him not here, I was getting excited that I was only going to have to wait a few more months to see him again. Yea, the second half was going to drag and be really long, but all I care about is the next time I'm going to see him.
So after finally accepting this April leave, what happens? Of course, the Army changes it. Because you can never count on anything in the army accept that they are going to change something. I should have known. Now they've moved his leave from April back to July. Which is now both a good thing and a bad thing. In the long run I know its much much better and will make the time fly. Plus it will be the summer so Tom will get to send his daughter here as well to see her. I'll most likely only have my internship stuff, so that wont be too much obligation in comparison to what I have this semester. But July... its five and a half months away, and I've already gone 53 days without him. It just feels like an eternity. Its only February. Last year feb to july was like an eternity. Granted, my life took a complete 180 in those months, but still.
*sigh* The super bowl is today. Last year, I sat at home by myself and watched it. Tom was in Virginia for training and this was when we were living in Pleasant View so I didn't have any friends that lived close by. Very uneventful. And once again, Tom is not here for the superbowl, at least this time I have plans, so I'm not a complete loser. lol, one year can slide, but two years by yourself is pretty pathetic. lol
Well, over the last couple months having him not here, I was getting excited that I was only going to have to wait a few more months to see him again. Yea, the second half was going to drag and be really long, but all I care about is the next time I'm going to see him.
So after finally accepting this April leave, what happens? Of course, the Army changes it. Because you can never count on anything in the army accept that they are going to change something. I should have known. Now they've moved his leave from April back to July. Which is now both a good thing and a bad thing. In the long run I know its much much better and will make the time fly. Plus it will be the summer so Tom will get to send his daughter here as well to see her. I'll most likely only have my internship stuff, so that wont be too much obligation in comparison to what I have this semester. But July... its five and a half months away, and I've already gone 53 days without him. It just feels like an eternity. Its only February. Last year feb to july was like an eternity. Granted, my life took a complete 180 in those months, but still.
*sigh* The super bowl is today. Last year, I sat at home by myself and watched it. Tom was in Virginia for training and this was when we were living in Pleasant View so I didn't have any friends that lived close by. Very uneventful. And once again, Tom is not here for the superbowl, at least this time I have plans, so I'm not a complete loser. lol, one year can slide, but two years by yourself is pretty pathetic. lol
Day 38: Saturday, January 17, 2009
Seriously, its only been 38 days? It feels like three years.
I'm back in Murfreesboro and it feels like I never left. Was driving down my street and saw a building that was not there when I left and thought, "When the heck did they build that?" Oh yea, when I was gone for a month.
The semester has already started and I'm both excited and slightly disappointed about the upcoming months. My classes seem interesting, though challenging. I got my job assignment this week and it was not what I was expecting, and thats what I am disappointed about. I really wanted to do what I did last semester, run the labs for the graduate statistics class. I know almost everyone in those labs now, and I'm comfortable working with them. Plus I know what to expect with them. Instead I'm running labs for a basic stat undergrad course. I have a feeling its not going to be good. Theres such a difference in the mentality of an undergrad and a graduate student, not to mention undergrads hate basic stats more than anything it seems. And I honestly don't know how well I'm going to be able to teach this stuff. I understand it all because its been engrained into me for years I dont even have to think about the whys and hows of it, I just do it; I don't know how well I'm going to be able to explain it all to someone who has absolutely no knowledge of the concepts.
I'm trying to stay busy. I've signed up for a couple various things to keep me active during my down time. Not to mention, I have Wii Fit now, and i've been using that thing constantly. Its fun. Its working out, but its fun working out. Its good though, because if I didn't enjoy it than I wouldn't keep doing it. I would get sick and tired of it and I would just quit. I've never been very atheletic, so the whole working out on its own really has no appeal to me. In fact, I pretty much loath it.
I've been trying to get a lot of the wedding planning done. It's hard to do by myself though. I know a lot of times that the bride just takes over compeletely and the groom generally has no say, but Tom and I aren't really like that. I know he probably doesn't care much, but I still like to make decisions like this with him. I know once I get through the majority of this the rest is going to be cake, but I imagine in the next few months it will be a bit hectic trying to finalize all the travel plans and arrangements. (if you didn't know, we're getting married on a cruise!) I wish I could just send all my invitations online, lol. It would be so much easier and cheaper! There are way too many "wedding rules".
Tom told me some interesting news the other night. Its been only a little over a month, and some of his guys are already finding out that their wives are cheating on them. It's truly disgusting. I mean, seriously? What kind of person does that? I just can't fathom it. I know it happens, obviously, thats what I'm researching all about for my thesis, but it still baffles my brain to hear of it. I shouldn't be so surprised but I am. The worst part is, is that some of these guys were completely expecting it, it hardly even fazed them. Why even marry a person if you don't love them enough to stay faithful to them? Can you seriously have that little self control over yourself? Can you seriously have that little respect for you husband who is fighting over seas for your country? It angers me and it sickens me that these women are like that. But what can you do, ya know? All I can do is make sure I'm never like any of them. And I won't be.
I'm back in Murfreesboro and it feels like I never left. Was driving down my street and saw a building that was not there when I left and thought, "When the heck did they build that?" Oh yea, when I was gone for a month.
The semester has already started and I'm both excited and slightly disappointed about the upcoming months. My classes seem interesting, though challenging. I got my job assignment this week and it was not what I was expecting, and thats what I am disappointed about. I really wanted to do what I did last semester, run the labs for the graduate statistics class. I know almost everyone in those labs now, and I'm comfortable working with them. Plus I know what to expect with them. Instead I'm running labs for a basic stat undergrad course. I have a feeling its not going to be good. Theres such a difference in the mentality of an undergrad and a graduate student, not to mention undergrads hate basic stats more than anything it seems. And I honestly don't know how well I'm going to be able to teach this stuff. I understand it all because its been engrained into me for years I dont even have to think about the whys and hows of it, I just do it; I don't know how well I'm going to be able to explain it all to someone who has absolutely no knowledge of the concepts.
I'm trying to stay busy. I've signed up for a couple various things to keep me active during my down time. Not to mention, I have Wii Fit now, and i've been using that thing constantly. Its fun. Its working out, but its fun working out. Its good though, because if I didn't enjoy it than I wouldn't keep doing it. I would get sick and tired of it and I would just quit. I've never been very atheletic, so the whole working out on its own really has no appeal to me. In fact, I pretty much loath it.
I've been trying to get a lot of the wedding planning done. It's hard to do by myself though. I know a lot of times that the bride just takes over compeletely and the groom generally has no say, but Tom and I aren't really like that. I know he probably doesn't care much, but I still like to make decisions like this with him. I know once I get through the majority of this the rest is going to be cake, but I imagine in the next few months it will be a bit hectic trying to finalize all the travel plans and arrangements. (if you didn't know, we're getting married on a cruise!) I wish I could just send all my invitations online, lol. It would be so much easier and cheaper! There are way too many "wedding rules".
Tom told me some interesting news the other night. Its been only a little over a month, and some of his guys are already finding out that their wives are cheating on them. It's truly disgusting. I mean, seriously? What kind of person does that? I just can't fathom it. I know it happens, obviously, thats what I'm researching all about for my thesis, but it still baffles my brain to hear of it. I shouldn't be so surprised but I am. The worst part is, is that some of these guys were completely expecting it, it hardly even fazed them. Why even marry a person if you don't love them enough to stay faithful to them? Can you seriously have that little self control over yourself? Can you seriously have that little respect for you husband who is fighting over seas for your country? It angers me and it sickens me that these women are like that. But what can you do, ya know? All I can do is make sure I'm never like any of them. And I won't be.
Day 25: Sunday, January 4th, 2009
Tom had yesterday off, his first free day since he got deployed. I imagine that having a 12 and a half hour shift with no weekends, no days off can really start to get to a person. There's nothing to look forward to. Just a constant endless horrible cycle of working, sleeping, working, sleeping. He doesn't really complain though, that's just not how he is. He does claim to be tired, but that's nothing new for him. I was really happy for him that he got to relax and take a break.
Because of his day off, we finally got to talk. We have been talking almost everyday, but we haven't really been talking. There's the everyday conversations that you have with most people around you, "how are you, how was your day, what's new?" and so on. Things get said, you catch up on the current events of your life and your surroundings, but it tends to be shallow. No one digs real deep and gets to the heart of anything real. We do need these, this is how we stay connected with most of the world. But then there are the real heart to heart conversations. The ones that leave you really feeling something more. The ones that don't happen necessarily everyday or with many people, but the ones that you remember and hold on to. These are the ones that dig deep to the issues and bring light things that maybe you wanted to keep buried from the rest of the world. They require time, trust, and good communication skills.
Tom and I finally got a chance to talk yesterday, and it felt so good. I spent hours in front of my computer screen with him. I know a lot of people don't believe that you can really have good communication through the internet, but they're wrong. Ya, you are missing a certain aspects of nonverbal comminucation, but as long as both parties are listening and saying how they feel, keeping things honest and real, than you can make up for that deficiency. Part of making a relationship like ours work is learning to deal with what we have and using it to our full advantage. Instead of focusing on what we don't have, we take what we've still got and focus on how to make it work. It's one of our greatest strengths as a couple, being able to adapt to the situation and not let it bring us down.
I'm greatful for yesterday. Even though it was hard at some points, it felt good knowing that we still had the ability to talk about what really mattered. I think we both said and heard some things that neither one of us wanted to converse about, but they were important and we had to face them. I'm glad we did, and even though we are oceans apart, I still felt so close to him.
Because of his day off, we finally got to talk. We have been talking almost everyday, but we haven't really been talking. There's the everyday conversations that you have with most people around you, "how are you, how was your day, what's new?" and so on. Things get said, you catch up on the current events of your life and your surroundings, but it tends to be shallow. No one digs real deep and gets to the heart of anything real. We do need these, this is how we stay connected with most of the world. But then there are the real heart to heart conversations. The ones that leave you really feeling something more. The ones that don't happen necessarily everyday or with many people, but the ones that you remember and hold on to. These are the ones that dig deep to the issues and bring light things that maybe you wanted to keep buried from the rest of the world. They require time, trust, and good communication skills.
Tom and I finally got a chance to talk yesterday, and it felt so good. I spent hours in front of my computer screen with him. I know a lot of people don't believe that you can really have good communication through the internet, but they're wrong. Ya, you are missing a certain aspects of nonverbal comminucation, but as long as both parties are listening and saying how they feel, keeping things honest and real, than you can make up for that deficiency. Part of making a relationship like ours work is learning to deal with what we have and using it to our full advantage. Instead of focusing on what we don't have, we take what we've still got and focus on how to make it work. It's one of our greatest strengths as a couple, being able to adapt to the situation and not let it bring us down.
I'm greatful for yesterday. Even though it was hard at some points, it felt good knowing that we still had the ability to talk about what really mattered. I think we both said and heard some things that neither one of us wanted to converse about, but they were important and we had to face them. I'm glad we did, and even though we are oceans apart, I still felt so close to him.
Day 18: Monday, December 29, 2008
Christmas has officially come and gone. It was a bit backwards, having Christmas Eve the day after Christmas, due to an increased number of illnesses in the family. This year I had gone over to my dad's the weekend before and helped make the homemade pasta and pastelli soup. Homemade pasta just doesn't feel worth all the time and effort it takes. I could have gotten a couple boxes of fettucini from the grocery store and let that boil for 7-8 minutes, instead of labored for a full day kneading and flattening and more flattening and waiting. But I guess tradition is tradition, and I wouldn't want to lose some of them just because of laziness.
It has been really nice being around my family. They are definitely distracting. I am going to miss that distraction greatly when I go back to Tenn. I've been coping really well, really. Sure, there have been a couple hard days, especially Christmas Eve, when it just felt a bit incomplete without him sharing it all with me. People have been worried about how I've been doing and I say I'm fine, because it's honestly true. Being up in Mass is the best thing for me right now, seeing my family and friends. What I'm worried about is when I'm not here anymore, when I'm really alone. I don't know what it's going to be like, and I really don't want to imagine it, so I don't. Ask me on the 12th how I'm doing, because right now I'm doing okay.
Don't get me wrong, I still miss him like crazy. But so far it's kind of felt like an extended vacation back home that he just couldn't come with me for. He was never a huge part of my life here in Mass, because the only time he was here was when he was visiting me. Our life together is in Tenn, and I really haven't had a chance to miss that yet. With that I'll leave you with some lyrics, since it's been 18 days since I've seen Tom. Strangely enough, this song didn't really effect me before, but then Tom and I saw them perform this song at Buzz Fust this year and they dedicated it to all the soldiers fighting overseas. Of course, now the song gets to me.
Saving Abel, 18 Days
It's been 18 days
Since I'd look at myself
I don't want to have to change
If I dont than noone will
Is it my state of mind?
Or is it just everything else?
I don't want to have to be hereI don't understand it now
It's been 18 days
Since I first held you
But to me it feels just like, it feels like a lifetime
I'm trying hard to rearrange
Some say its the hardest thing to do
But that's another 18 days
Without you...
Time after time
I've been through this
You show what it means to live
You give me hope when I was hopeless
As my days fade to night
I remember that state of my mind
I'm soaring straight into your heart
And I'll fly high
It's been 18 days
Since I first held you
But to me it feels just like, it feels like a lifetime
I'm trying hard to rearrange
Some say its the hardest thing to do
But that's another 18 days
Without you...
And I know what they say about all good things
Will they come to end
But I'll fight this time
So that we might have a chance at this
Cuz Its been 18 days
Since i'd look at myself
And I dont want to have to change
If I dont than noone will
Cuz Its been too many days since I first held you
But to me it feels just like, it feels like a lifetime
I'm trying hard to rearrangeS
ome say its the hardest thing to do
But its just too many days
Without you
And I know what they say
About all good things
Will they come to an end
But I'll fight this time
So that we might
Have a chance at this
It has been really nice being around my family. They are definitely distracting. I am going to miss that distraction greatly when I go back to Tenn. I've been coping really well, really. Sure, there have been a couple hard days, especially Christmas Eve, when it just felt a bit incomplete without him sharing it all with me. People have been worried about how I've been doing and I say I'm fine, because it's honestly true. Being up in Mass is the best thing for me right now, seeing my family and friends. What I'm worried about is when I'm not here anymore, when I'm really alone. I don't know what it's going to be like, and I really don't want to imagine it, so I don't. Ask me on the 12th how I'm doing, because right now I'm doing okay.
Don't get me wrong, I still miss him like crazy. But so far it's kind of felt like an extended vacation back home that he just couldn't come with me for. He was never a huge part of my life here in Mass, because the only time he was here was when he was visiting me. Our life together is in Tenn, and I really haven't had a chance to miss that yet. With that I'll leave you with some lyrics, since it's been 18 days since I've seen Tom. Strangely enough, this song didn't really effect me before, but then Tom and I saw them perform this song at Buzz Fust this year and they dedicated it to all the soldiers fighting overseas. Of course, now the song gets to me.
Saving Abel, 18 Days
It's been 18 days
Since I'd look at myself
I don't want to have to change
If I dont than noone will
Is it my state of mind?
Or is it just everything else?
I don't want to have to be hereI don't understand it now
It's been 18 days
Since I first held you
But to me it feels just like, it feels like a lifetime
I'm trying hard to rearrange
Some say its the hardest thing to do
But that's another 18 days
Without you...
Time after time
I've been through this
You show what it means to live
You give me hope when I was hopeless
As my days fade to night
I remember that state of my mind
I'm soaring straight into your heart
And I'll fly high
It's been 18 days
Since I first held you
But to me it feels just like, it feels like a lifetime
I'm trying hard to rearrange
Some say its the hardest thing to do
But that's another 18 days
Without you...
And I know what they say about all good things
Will they come to end
But I'll fight this time
So that we might have a chance at this
Cuz Its been 18 days
Since i'd look at myself
And I dont want to have to change
If I dont than noone will
Cuz Its been too many days since I first held you
But to me it feels just like, it feels like a lifetime
I'm trying hard to rearrangeS
ome say its the hardest thing to do
But its just too many days
Without you
And I know what they say
About all good things
Will they come to an end
But I'll fight this time
So that we might
Have a chance at this
Day 7: December 17th, 2008
It's been almost exactly a week since I said goodbye to Tom. I've finished up my finals, finished up my grading, and finished my literature review paper. My stepfather flew down and we drove all the way from Nashville, TN to East Longmeadow, MA. It took from friday night to saturday night, but it wasn't so bad of a drive. I got two phone calls from Tom while we were driving. He made it safely to Kyrgystan and had to wait a couple days till they left for Afghanistan. Both phone calls were extremely short. The connection wasn't great so it was hard to really have a conversation. I kept hearing my echo which was tripping me out.
Sunday I went Christmas caroling on Sunday with my father, aunt, and Lauren. It was more driving around to the places than actual singing but it was still a nice time. I didn't hear from Tom at all that day so I wrote him a really long email that night and hoped to hear from him soon. I knew he had to travel to Afghanistan so I wasn't sure how long exactly it would take him to get there.
Monday I finally heard from him. We both got on messenger and actually got to talk. I was so excited to finally talk to him. We both hooked up skype and were able to do video phone conversations with our webcams. It's so nice to beable to see his face and hear his voice. Trust me, it does not come anywhere near as close to being like he's there in the room with me, but it's definitely better than no conversation at all.
Unfortunately, his schedulue really blows. He's working some insane hours and they just don't really jive well with what my schedulue is going to be like next semester. I just predict a lot of problems with not getting a chance to talk to one another. And without communication... we're lost. We have to rely 100% on emails and webcam conversations, that's all we get. Its not like when you are living with someone and you both have a busy day and you keep missing each other, just not getting a chance to have a convo or a meal together. Because at the end of the day they still get to fall asleep next to that person and know that they are there beside them. With us, we miss each other and that's it, another 24 hours minimum until the next time you get a chance for any contact what so ever with the person. I mean, how do you keep a relationship alive like that? How can you share your day with a person, tell them how you feel, give them comfort, if you can't even say a quick hello to them?
I miss having something happen to me, even something insignificant, and being able to call him up right away and telling him about it. It's so amazingly frustrating to go from so much contact to hardly any at all. It's going to drive me mad, I can tell already. I just... I have a bad feeling about the whole thing. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.I've survived one week at least. Only 49 left without him.
Sunday I went Christmas caroling on Sunday with my father, aunt, and Lauren. It was more driving around to the places than actual singing but it was still a nice time. I didn't hear from Tom at all that day so I wrote him a really long email that night and hoped to hear from him soon. I knew he had to travel to Afghanistan so I wasn't sure how long exactly it would take him to get there.
Monday I finally heard from him. We both got on messenger and actually got to talk. I was so excited to finally talk to him. We both hooked up skype and were able to do video phone conversations with our webcams. It's so nice to beable to see his face and hear his voice. Trust me, it does not come anywhere near as close to being like he's there in the room with me, but it's definitely better than no conversation at all.
Unfortunately, his schedulue really blows. He's working some insane hours and they just don't really jive well with what my schedulue is going to be like next semester. I just predict a lot of problems with not getting a chance to talk to one another. And without communication... we're lost. We have to rely 100% on emails and webcam conversations, that's all we get. Its not like when you are living with someone and you both have a busy day and you keep missing each other, just not getting a chance to have a convo or a meal together. Because at the end of the day they still get to fall asleep next to that person and know that they are there beside them. With us, we miss each other and that's it, another 24 hours minimum until the next time you get a chance for any contact what so ever with the person. I mean, how do you keep a relationship alive like that? How can you share your day with a person, tell them how you feel, give them comfort, if you can't even say a quick hello to them?
I miss having something happen to me, even something insignificant, and being able to call him up right away and telling him about it. It's so amazingly frustrating to go from so much contact to hardly any at all. It's going to drive me mad, I can tell already. I just... I have a bad feeling about the whole thing. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.I've survived one week at least. Only 49 left without him.
Day 1: Thursday, December 11th, 2008
We arrived at the hanger around 12:30am this morning. We had gone out for steaks for his last dinner a few hours earlier and then went to our favorite brew pub and had one final beer. It was a surreal experience because it felt like any other day when we would go out together for dinner but in the back of both our minds this would be our last meal together for quite some time. It pissed me off because our waitress was practically rushing us out the door because she probably wanted to go home early.
At the hanger there was a lot of chaos around me. Tom had to go get paperwork and get his M4, so for awhile I just sat by myself amidst it all. There were families and friends of soldiers everywhere. Most people came in groups, and I felt very alone sitting there by myself. I couldnt stop shaking, whether from the cold, my anxiety or a combination of both. Tom came and found me and sat by my side. He put his arm around me and told me it was going to be alright. And we stayed like that for hours. We waited and waited. It was torture. Though I didn't want him to go at all the waiting for something to happen was killing me. My anxiety kept building and building and it sounds horrible but I just wanted to get it over with because I knew it was going to be bad.
Through all this waiting it still didn't feel real. I couldn't wrap my head around it. He was next to me, holding me, telling me he loved me, and I just couldn't imagine him not there. He's always been there with me. I know there was a time when he wasn't in my life but I can't even recall that. I don't remember what it was like not having him there next to me. I thought to myself, this isn't really happening, it's all going to be okay. I really felt okay at that moment. I thought I would be able to walk out of there with my head high and not cry in front of all these people I had never met before.
And then the buses pulled up. And this guy came up to this podium and told everyone to say their final goodbyes because they had to get into formation to get onto the buses. I just lost it. We stood up and he hugged me and I started bawling. And then this other guy came over that Tom used to work with and wanted to chat for a moment. I'm standing there crying and Tom was chatting it up with his old buddy and I was just thinking, "are you serious... you need to catch up now?" He finally politely dismissed that guy and hugged me again and said he had to go line up. There was more hugging, kissing, crying and then he walked away.
I looked to my right and saw this father a little ways from me trying to cover up his crying over his son, and that's when it hit me. As Tom was walking into formation, away from me, that's when I finally realized that he was really leaving me for a year. I've never felt more alone in my whole life. I stood there by myself, bawling my eyes out in front of strangers, and I just couldn't stop myself. The thought of him not in my life for the whole year was too overwhelming, and I just broke down over the thought of being alone in Tennessee for all of it.
A lot of people had left by this point. All the guys were standing in formation, they hadn't left yet, but it was late and a lot of people didn't want to wait for the end. Some guy came up and started talking, I have no idea what he was saying. I kept trying to find Tom in the sea of camo, but everyone was jumbled together. The doors of the hangers lifted and the guys started walking row by row to the buses. I finally spotted him and waved. I mouthed "I love you" to him, and he did it back to me, and then he walked to the buses. I started bawling again, and walked out of the hanger crying my eyes out. I got into the car and had a wait a few more minutes till I could compose myself enough to drive off base.
I wanted to call someone, but it was 4 in the morning, and I just couldn't bring myself to wake anyone up just so I could cry into the phone. So I just drove to the hotel and bawled myself to sleep.
He's gone. He's really gone.
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