Day 146: May 6, 2009

I said goodbye to Tom again this morning. Which is really quite odd because he's still gone, and that hasn't changed at all. It's just now I'm getting even less of him than I was before. I didn't think I could miss him anymore than I already did. And I didn't think there was anything that could make me want to go back to how it was... but I do. He's on his way to some new base. He's going to be living in a tent, and they are going to have next to nothing. So you can imagine that we won't be talking very often. It sucks, big time. Its like having a stab wound, and it sucks but after awhile you sort of get numb to pain, but then someone comes around and twists the knife and it hurts worse than it did before and now youve got a larger wound. Not much holding it all together anymore.

It's just been an insane last few days, and I've hardly had a chance to breathe, let alone really think about the weight of this situation. I guess in a way its been good that I've been so unbelievably busy. I didn't cry. Honestly, lol, I got interupted from feeling sad from my phone ringing about 10 times this morning. But then I was on the plane today reading and I got to this part in the book, it had nothing at all to do with my situation, but it just made me achingly sad. Like I could feel my insides clenching. I can't explain what it was... but I felt so hollow.

Sometimes I think that maybe I should go talk to someone. Although, if my insurance won't cover physical therapy in TN i'm sure it's not going to cover a psychological assessment. I get sad, and I get just completely apathatic, and tired a lot (which may or may not have something to do with the amount of coffee I drink). I get testy, and upset, and I crave things that I should not want. I know what it all means but I just dont think going and talking to someone will really help me. I think the only thing that will help is having him back with me. And I really hope that time starts moving by quicker so that can happen faster.